That PhD Life: Gender Non-Conforming: Part 3

In a previous post, I wrote that, “People are scared of the word trans...They don’t understand it and they are scared to ask questions.”

I have felt the same way: ashamed of my ignorance and scared to ask questions. It was not long ago that I didn’t know any of the terms of the trans community or the correct way to use them. I didn't even know the correct terminology for transwoman and transman. I had always felt the need to ask, "Wait, does that mean that they are male-to-female (often written as MTF) or female-to-male (FTM)?"

(As a reminder, transwoman means someone who identifies as a woman, but was Assigned Male At Birth, or AMAB. Transman means someone who identifies as a man, but was Assigned Female At Birth, or AFAB).

**I'm going to pause here. The previous sentence is an example where I might have just fucked up. Some people prefer the acronym CAMAB and CAFAB to stand for Coercively Assigned Male At Birth and Coercively Assigned Female At Birth. For some, the above paragraph might be offensive and need to be edited. I include this example as a way to show that everyone messes up and that these terms are constantly changing. There's no need to get defensive about it: "It's impossible to keep all these terms straight!" Just recognize that this is a foreign language to you and that it's okay to mess up, it's okay to ask questions, it's okay to apologize and correct yourself. All that matters is that you recognize that this is a learning process for everyone, and acknowledge that you are an outsider looking into a gender minority culture that you're not familiar with.**

Now, as I've learned more about trans identity, I know that the question "wait, what gender did they transition from originally?" is actually pretty offensive to people. It’s really none of your business what their genitalia is or was. It's really not that important to know what they had been assigned to at birth. The only thing you need to know is that they now identify as a woman or man.

But everyone messes up sometimes and these terms are new for a lot of people. And that is okay.

It was also not that long ago that I didn’t understand when people chose not to have pronouns at all. I really didn’t get it and thought those persons should just go by they/them. I didn’t understand that sometimes people don’t identify with he, she or they. In this case, the person will often choose to go by their name instead.

Or, people like me, who choose to go by any pronouns. I remember when there was a time that such a thing would have confused me.

I mess up people’s pronouns all the time. Sometimes I forget to ask, sometimes I slip up, sometimes I choose not to ask. Sometimes I forget to--or choose not to based on social awkwardness--introduce myself with my own pronouns. Sometimes I accidentally misgender people.

Sometimes I use politically incorrect language in my writing about the queer community (see example above). When I was writing about my experiences with the queer community in China back in 2017, I sent it to a friend to edit. She sent it back with multiple corrections where I had written things that were offensive to queer people. For example, she suggested things like "say 'masculine-of-center' not 'boyish.' say 'feminine-of-center' not girly." It doesn't matter who you are: there is always more to learn.

My mistakes were/are because of my own ignorance and lack of exposure. Language is constantly evolving to fit the needs of society and I’m not always up on the most recent changes. But I try to acknowledge and correct myself when I realize that I haven't been precise in my language.

People will make mistakes when confronting people or language in the trans community. I’m not asking for perfection. I know that we will all make mistakes. We are walking together down this new road. We are all evolving toward a new consciousness when it comes to gender. I am not asking for overnight fluency in this new language.

I am asking for allyship.

I am asking for you to ask questions and educate yourself. In the world of Google, there are no excuses for "sorry I didn't know" anymore when it comes to the basics.

I am asking for you to acknowledge when you do make a mistake.