Being Trans: An Introduction

In a previous post, I wrote that I had to decide if I was going to use the feminine or the masculine when I was speaking Czech.   

 

Why is this even a question for you?

 

Because I’m genderqueer transmasculine. I changed my name to Saar because it’s more gender neutral. In English, I use they/them pronouns.

 

(In another previous post, I had said I was going by any pronouns. I had been procrastinating picking a pronoun because I’m still not sure which pronouns I want to use and am still considering he/him pronouns. But I’ve decided for now that they/them fits me best for where I’m at right now.)

 

What does that mean—“transmasculine”?

 

It means that I was Assigned Female At Birth (AFAB). But in terms of what I know about myself, how I see my body, and how I interact with society, I'm not a girl. I don’t want to be perceived as a woman. I’m not a woman. I don’t want that box and I don’t want that label. I’m a human who likes to present masculine.

 

Why don’t you say “transman”?

 

Because I’m not a man either. Transmasculine is used to describe that I am trans (aka not cis gender) and I present masculine, but that I’m not fully transitioned either.

 

Why don’t you want to fully transition?

 

Because I don’t want to right now. I feel good where I’m at right now.

 

Am I ever going to fully transition into being a transman?

 

I don’t know. Maybe. But for now, I feel good with presenting as transmasculine.

 

What does that mean for you and your life?

 

I am presenting as clearly AFAB—I know people can tell that I’m a female dressing like a man and I’m okay with that. I’m using they/them pronouns. I’m using a new name. And that new name is a signal that I don’t want to be Sarah anymore. 

I want to be Saar. Is it hard to spell? Yes. Is it a little hard to pronounce? Yes. But it makes me feel good having a gender-neutral name. Are they/them pronouns used in the singular a little confusing? Yes. It's annoying and frustrating and I get it. But hearing myself described as "she/her" makes me uncomfortable. Life is uncomfortable and I know that. But why put yourself in a cage when you don't have to? 

 

That’s really the best way I can explain presenting as transmasculine: it just simply makes me feel more like myself and more authentic presenting to the world. Do I look “weird”? Sure. But I’m saying to the world, “Look, this is just who I am. I’m not trying to force anything on anyone, I’m just saying, this is me, this is who I am.”

 

Do you want to get surgery?

 

Probably not. I’m not trying to fit into the box that says “man” either. But I am trying to feel good and I know that presenting as masculine feels good for me in this moment and time in my life.

 

Inside, nothing has really changed. I’ve always felt this way. But I do have more self-love and self-acceptance. On the outside, I have a new name and new pronouns. And now, for the first time in my life, I like what I see when I look in the mirror.

 

Does using they/them pronouns mean that you are non-binary?

 

I don’t identify as non-binary or agender. Those terms don’t really make my soul dance. But genderqueer and transmasculine feels much more at home for me.

 

The pronouns are not really what is important. They are just one grain of salt in an ocean of possibility and expression when it comes to the trans experience. Being trans is about how you are and how you relate to others. The external expression of that is just one piece. And pronouns and names are just one piece of that. That being said, pronouns are, of course, an important part of trans identity.

 

Does this mean you’re only going to date women now?

 

Gender and sexuality are two different things.

 

You can be a transwoman who dates women. You can be a transman who dates men. The gender you identify with does not determine the gender of the person you are attracted to. Being transmasculine, I’m just as bi/pan as I ever was and will continue to date all genders of the spectrum.

 

Ok, so will you be Saar (they/them) for good now?

 

Gender is fluid. It is possible moving forward that I will decide to fully transition into being a man. It is possible I will decide to start using he/him pronouns. It is also possible that I will go back to she/her pronouns. These things change over time for people and that is okay.

 

It is okay for me to change my mind.

 

Ok, so what’s your point? Why should I care about your gender identity?

 

Ultimately, gender is just one piece of the puzzle in a much wider and beautiful mosaic. That mosaic is the infinite color, possibility, beauty and creativity of our universe and our Spirits. I do believe that we can all love and live more fully and more beautifully if we embrace all aspects of ourselves, our world, and our universe—the beautiful and the ugly, the yin and the yang, the masculine and the feminine, the pain and the joy. This whole “gender revolution” thing is not really about just gender: it's about people fully expressing themselves. This blog post and my trans journey is ultimately not really about gender or identity: it's about being myself. Transness is for me, in the end, about loving and being every single part of myself and being genuine and authentic.

 

It’s not like: I’ve always been like a boy and therefore I am trans.

 

It’s not like: I like wearing boys clothes and therefore I am trans.

 

It’s not like: I have more testosterone than “normal,” and therefore I am trans.

 

It’s not like: I feel like a boy and therefore I am trans.

 

It’s not like: I want to be a boy and therefore I am trans.

 

It’s not like: I want to embrace all identities and expressions of gender and therefore I am trans.

 

It’s more like: Genetic + Biological + Evolutionary + Cultural + Representation + Acceptance + Spirit + Creativity + Wholeness + Authenticity = Transness

 

It’s a lot of parts. Ultimately, it’s a joining of mind, body and spirit. In the next three blog posts I’m going to talk about three main aspects of being trans: the biological, the cultural, and the creative. I hope you join me for the ride!

 

So, again you may ask: Why should I care?

 

We can all ask ourselves the question: What makes you feel authentic and genuine? What makes you feel most true to yourself and most true to the people around you?

 

For me, right now, that means a new name and new pronouns. Maybe for you that means a tattoo or a piercing. Get a haircut or a new hat. Start a new hobby. Maybe it means doing the thing you’ve always wanted to do: Write a book. Paint a canvas. Go roller skating (real life example from a dear friend ;). Start a family. Publish a play. Quit a job. Move to a new city. Start your own business.

 

How will you approach the world today with these questions? What can you do for yourself today that will make you truer to yourself? I hope you do what makes you feel true to yourself today. The world will be a better place because of it. You will not only allow others to be true to themselves, but you will also live a fuller life and open yourself up to more possibilities to love, learn, and evolve. 

And please. Feel free to reach out to me if you'd like to talk or connect with me personally. I'm happy to talk more about my trans journey. As some people close to me know, sometimes it seems like the only thing I can talk about these days, besides ethnic minority policy in China (HAHA lol but seriously it's true). That being said I do feel really shy about it. I have found I can express myself through writing better than most other modes of communication, so I hope you do feel connected to me through my writing of this. I feel connected to you (I know who you are because I have approximately 6 readers of my blog and I love each and every one of you so much).