Bodies

I have a theory that bodies offer freedom, but they are also vulnerable. Bodies are tools to access resources and power, but in trying to obtain that, one becomes vulnerable to punishment and marginalization for not conforming to the status quo.

Bodies are the focus of colonial and capitalist control. Colonialism is all about the extraction and exploitation of resources, especially land, minerals, and labor. Bodies provide productive labor. Under capitalist control, bodies are no longer vessels of pleasure, but productivity. People living in capitalist economies use their bodies for productive labor rather than pleasure. Bodily pleasure is then seen as an excess or rebellious or even dangerous waste. Colonialism and the capitalist economies it created dispossessed bodies of their sovereignty and took away their freedom, freedom to be themselves and freedom to live our their soul's unique destiny, instead putting them in the chains of slave or wage labor.

But we see time and time again that bodies resist control. When they resist control, they become sites of liberation from the chains of colonialism and capitalism. But when they practice resistance as a way to survive rather than drown in the hopelessness and helplessness of the prison of wage labor, they become vulnerable. Vulnerable to punishment and vulnerable to poverty and starvation. When bodies resist, they are marginalized. However, when they resist, they also find some autonomy and freedom.

But, by being sites of resistance and survival, this also makes them vulnerable targets. It also makes them objects of the police gaze. Their criminality and disorderliness is what makes them objects of control. This control is what leads to violence because it makes them criminals and makes them marginalized.

 

But this resistance and survival is also what gives them autonomy. It’s a strategy for getting what you need. What they need is community, humanity, and solidarity.

Let's take trans people as an example.

Trans people have decided not to accept the limits of gender.

Trans people are constantly asked to be vulnerable.

 

But being vulnerable—being open and out and not hiding—is also a strategy for getting what you need: community, resources, allies, and healthcare. 

They are vulnerable in order to get what they need, but they experience violence because of that. By being out, they are signaling their humanity and showing everyone by example how to get what you need as a human: be vulnerable and show up in your full humanity to ask for what you need.

Each time they re-claim sovereignty over their own body, they commit to transforming the reality of danger for non-conforming people. 

But trans people aren’t the only ones out there on the frontline, putting their bodies at risk so they can live out their full humanity. It’s anyone who refuses to conform to that status quo of capitalist control over bodies through wage labor. 

How can we make it safe for all people to ask for what they need? How can we make it safe for everyone to be vulnerable?

Void

This year, I have been using an Intuitive Writing deck that my friend, Three, gifted me. Each card has a word or shape on it, and you use that word or shape to prompt a piece of creative writing. I'm going to post a series of entries from my Intuitive Writing practice here, just for fun. 

VOID 

What is a void? A void is a big, gaping hole. A dark hole, where something is lacking, needing, wanting. A piece that is empty, waiting and wanting to be filled. A canyon too deep to see the bottom of. And yet! The Grand Canyon, the largest void in the world, a huge hole on the side of steep cliffs, is beautiful. 

Maybe it doesn’t want or need to be filled. Maybe it’s beautiful just the way it is. Maybe scars are meant to be there. Maybe you’re beautiful because of your scars. Maybe the void is there for a reason. Maybe it doesn’t need to be filled. Maybe there’s something in the void to teach you. 

Or maybe not. 

Maybe there is no purpose. Maybe there is no point. Maybe it just is what it is. 

Just because you have a void doesn’t mean it needs to be filled. The Grand Canyon is beautiful. It doesn't need to be filled. Maybe that gaping hole in your heart doesn't need to be filled either. Maybe it's perfect just the way it is. Maybe it's there for a reason. 

Where do you have a void? 

Maybe I have an emotional and social void, a gaping hole in my heart where I have some room. What if it doesn’t need to be filled by anyone or anything? What if it’s okay to feel empty sometimes, just like how it’s okay to feel hungry sometimes. You don’t have to do anything. It’s okay to just be and be a void or have a void. 

Maybe that’s part of the process. Yes, of course it’s nice when something can fill the void. Best case scenario might be that you are seeking Spirit to fill that void and let you know that you are loved. But what if you can just sit with the void? Not praying to make it go away, but just recognizing and allowing: "Yes, I have this void and that isn’t bad nor good, it just is." 

The void exists. It exists just like you and I exist. Just like the Grand Canyon exists. There is no judgment. Okay, well the Grand Canyon is beautiful and that's a type of judgment. But it’s just there. Nobody judges it as bad or good. Beautiful, for sure. But no one is saying, "Yes. This is good." 

The Grand Canyon just is. It exists. And you exist. It’s not bad or good, forward or backward. It just is. You can find your vibration and just be. There is no end point, no goal, no golden nugget, no carrot, no gold pot, no achievement, no end. 

There’s nothing to check off the list. Unless you mean your life, at which point, when you check that off, you will die. Why rush to check it off your list? Why rush to check your own life off the list? Why not enjoy the process? Yes, it feels good for the moment you check it off, but then what? Then, the moment is over. 

What if it does take you another three years to finish the book? What a wonderful gift. Time to work on a creative and meaningful project. Why rush it? So you can write your next book? What if there is no next book? What if this is the last article you’ll ever write? Then, why rush it? Why not just enjoy the process. Because there might not be anything after this. So, like death, why rush it? This might be the death of your academic life, and you will miss it after it’s gone. There will be a void there. An intellectual void. So why rush to fill it up? Why not enjoy it while the raging river of thoughts and struggles are raging through the canyon? Eventually, the river will dry up. So don’t rush it. Just enjoy the rapids while you can, and don’t be afraid to reach out for help and support in the meantime. 

My 34th Birthday

You’re one year older, one year wiser. What is one thing that you learned this year?

Life will take you in all sorts of unexpected directions. There is no way that you can predict the future. For me this year, the unexpected events were getting a teaching job that I hated, moving back to Colorado, the joy of training a dog, breaking my fibula, going back to school, getting an internship as a data analyst, starting my own editorial business and personal assistant business. These were all things that at this time last year I would not have been able to predict. They were not even in my periphery of things as remotely possible for the year. 

So, to my 34 year old self, I say: buckle up. There are going to be things that happen this year that you can’t plan, can’t predict, can’t know. All you can do is take it one day at a time. But, for God’s sake, try to enjoy this time. Time is one thing you can never earn back and never get back. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. You’ll only be 34 once. Enjoy it. Enjoy your young body, your healthy body, your dog, your wife, your house, your time here on earth, your job, and your friends. You not only have an abundance of time, but you have an abundance of money. Enjoy it. You never know when it might all be taken from you. 

This year, I had an abundance of time for myself and my body, to exercise, read, and do yoga. I really am living my best life. I have no regrets. Some of the things I did:

Went to Hawaii. Got a dog. Got married. Did a jiujitsu camp. Worked at REI. Worked at AMS. Got top surgery. Got a mountain bike and learned how to MTB. Braved the Phoenix summer. Taught two courses about Uyghurs for high school teachers. Published two articles about LGBT Uyghurs. Gave a talk about Uyghurs at ASU. Traveled to Minnesota for Fourth of July. Traveled to Wisconsin for a wedding. Traveled to Chicago for another wedding. Saw Andrea Gibson and Zoe Keating live. Saw Ray LaMontage and Frank Turner live. Went to two orchestra concerts. Started queer community in Arizona. Visited the Grand Canyon. Went backpacking in Arizona. Finished my book. Learned how to lead climb and led climb outside multiple times. Mentored my cousin Bella. Worked on my Spanish. Trained and bonded with Bruno. Moved back to Colorado. Learned how to code. Started my own business. Went back to school. 

Time is finite. Once it’s gone, you can never get it back. 

Time is going to slip through your fingers like water. Trying to hold onto time is like trying to hold onto water. You can squeeze as hard as you like, there’s no keeping it in one place. Squeezing is only going to exhaust you. You have to flow with it. You can swim in it, plunging until you are surrounded by the cool water, you can float, you can sink, you can tread water, and you can swim. Or you can do all of the above. 

But nobody is going to hand you a fluffy stuffed animal of water. That’s not how it works. It’s too fluid. So you can learn to swim, you can learn to dance in the rain. You can thrash around until you just can’t take it anymore, or you can take it one lap at a time. Nobody ever said it was easy. Writing a book, training for a triathlon. Nobody did those things and said, yeah no big deal. But sports, friends, creativity. They did say that was fun. 

You don't have time. You can't hold onto time. But you do get to choose what you do with it. It’s your day. It’s your year. It’s your life. It’s your time. 

Only you get to decide what comes in and what comes out of your life. Nobody is going to do it for you. Nobody is going to give you permission. In that sense, you are on your own to a certain extent. We all need a team, and the universe has your back. But you are the one that gets to create your life. The greatest creative project of all is to create your life the way you want to live. 

Some people have children and live vicariously through them. "I'm going to give them the life that I wish I could have had," they say. What about giving yourself the live you wish you had? You get to re-parent yourself. There is still time to lead the life that you've always wanted. What's holding you back? Fear? Scarcity? Dependence? Consider this a sign. Consider this permission from the universe. Go live the life that you've always wanted for yourself. Your birthday is your day, but your year is your life. It's your time. You don't own it, you can't control it, but you do get to decide what to do with it. 

This year, I learned the importance of the dance between resistance and acceptance. You can't have one without the other, they complement each other, and feed off of one another. I had to accept the realities of life, marriage, work, career, capitalism, and sexism. The limits of time, money, and ability. But there is also space for resistance. Rest, gender, and advocacy. Believing that there is value in pushing back. Resisting my old patterns and instincts. Resisting the status quo through creativity, evolution, growth, and spirituality. They are both true and they are both valuable. 

What is your word for this year? 

TIME. I want to learn to flow with it instead of against it. I want to learn to love and appreciate it, instead of always being mad at it. I want to embrace it and enjoy it, rather than always waiting for the next thing. I want to be present with it and extend it through my presence with it. I want to forget about it and remember that I can't control it. I want to learn how to dance and flow with it. 

The secondary words are: 

Rest, Love, Learn, Create. Go to the people. 

Pictures for Our Funeral Slideshow

 Hello.

I’m not looking for a friend. 

I’m looking for a partner. 

You were there for me when I needed you the most. 

You never left my side. 

How are you? 

You don’t have to say “good.”

I want all of you. 

I want every piece of you,

The good, the bad and the ugly. 

Show me everything, put it on my altar, 

I put you on my altar. 

You are mine to behold and to worship. 

Iconoclast 

She cannot be contained 

I’m in love with them 

All of them 

Brianna is strong 

Heart 

Mind 

Body 

She masters the mountain

Conquers the kitchen 

Strums the guitar 

They are the handy queer 

She manipulates electrons

At work

And in my heart

Tall 

Fiery 

True

Fun

Nobody ever said that marriage was easy

100/100

It’s not easy. 

You were there for me when I needed you the most. 

What’s up?

You seem sad. 

You don’t want me to say “what’s wrong?”

Because there’s nothing wrong with being sad. 

We have had our ups and downs. 

Nobody ever said it would be easy. 

But we are enjoying the ride anyway. 

This ride isn’t going to stop. 

Hi. 

It’s me. 

She, he, they. 

We are both a blend of genders and identities. 

We don’t fit into your box. 

I never liked labels anyway. 

God made us this way. 

He is proud that we are made in their image. 

God doesn’t fit into a gender and neither do we. 

Nobody ever said it would be easy. 

You were there for me when I needed you the most. 

We are out here in the world. 

Some people love us,

Some people hate us. 

There is a lot of fear. 

There is a lot of scarcity. 

We turn toward love and abundance. 

She is a beauty

Inside and out

Funny and smart

Guitar 

Skiing

Climbing

Jiujitsu

I see her

Singing

Dancing 

Playing

All the days of my life. 

Nobody ever said that marriage was easy. 

Bring it on. 

Let’s grow old together. 

Collecting pictures for our funeral slideshow. 

Fire

This year, I have been using an Intuitive Writing deck that my friend, Three, gifted me. Each card has a word or shape on it, and you use that word or shape to prompt a piece of creative writing. I'm going to post a series of entries from my Intuitive Writing practice here, just for fun. 

FIRE

The fire of passion. The fire of spirit. "That girl is on fire!" We are all struggling. But when you get to witness somebody else on fire, it’s inspiring. Burning, sizzling, cracking, popping. Reds, oranges, blues. 

The fire of anger. The fire of love. Sometimes, it’s so hot it can burn you. But other times, it’s just enough to keep you alive. Other times, it’s just what you need to cook your food as fuel for the next adventure. Fire can kill, but it can also save. It can burn, but it can also cook and warm. It can consume, but it also creates light and heat. 

We don’t have all the answers. Life, writing, doing research, trying to make a mark on the world-- it's just about participating in the unfolding of the universe. It’s not always fun. It’s usually a boring, stupid game. 

But it’s your choice. You can sit there and watch. You can pout. Or, you can engage, participate, and have fun. 

Nobody will remember us after we’re gone. It’s not about being remembered.

But maybe you can infuse your fire into something that will later plant a seed and later grow a tree. It’s the butterfly effect. You don’t know how you will affect something great, far away and far after you. All you can do is keep flapping your wings. Nobody asked you to be the next winner of the most beautiful and smartest butterfly contest. They only asked you to keep flapping your wings and pollinating flowers. Not for any reason, just because the process of the ever-expanding universe is the process to find joy in, the process of creating is what is meaningful. 

The outcome doesn’t matter–people are playful and have more True Fun when they aren’t focused on the outcome or when there is no outcome, and people are more creative when there isn’t an outcome at all. Yes, there’s research on this. So just focus on the fire of spirit and passion inside of you. 

Snug Bug Poem

A snug bug is

A snug bug was

A snug bug will be

Not just for snugs. 

A snug bug is 

For distraction

From the pain of the mother fuckin world

When faced with the discomfort of boredom

It’s like an itch 

That needs to be scratched 

With a hug and a squeeze 

Even if it’s through a screen 

I haven’t been bored for a long time 

There is a void of sitting and not doing anything 

I hate it 

I want to always be doing 

Life

Fun but boring 

A breath of fresh air 

But also a waste of time 

A time to play and explore 

I don’t have it in me right now 

I can’t do anything else. 

Why did I agree to this?

Lol

Star

This year, I have been using an Intuitive Writing deck that my friend, Three, gifted me. Each card has a word or shape on it, and you use that word or shape to prompt a piece of creative writing. I'm going to post a series of entries from my Intuitive Writing practice here, just for fun. 

The card has a picture of a star on it. Here is my response, which was just the first thing that came to my head when I saw the card, which I randomly chose out of the deck:

“We are all stars!” Gao Min, my Chinese friend in Nanjing, used to say all the time, while laughing his face off. He was joking about how everybody thinks of themselves as little unique stars, little celebrities, little princes and princesses, special and somehow entitled and deserving of some kind of reward or recognition. Indeed, we are all stardust in the end..

Yes, we all have our unique light. So how do you balance that TRUTH with the fact that it’s not all about YOU? 

The Earth revolves around the Sun, which is one star. The other stars we can see in the sky are all important and unique and the Milky Way galaxy is made up of them but everything doesn’t revolve around them. They have gravity but not so much as to change or move the galaxy. Each star has enough gravity to change or move the few planets around it. But outside of that force field, there’s nothing. And so it is with life, isn’t it? We do have energy, a type of gravitational push and pull that does affect the people around us, but not enough to change the world. Some stars are bigger than others. The question is, what kind of star are you? 

What did I do in my childhood that pointed to who I really am, who I really am and want to be, and what my vocation–as a gift not a calling–is?

I liked playing house. Choreographing movies and dance moves. Hide and seek. Kickball. Reading. Basketball and running. Dogs. Cleaning. Organizing. Cooking. Playing. Helping. Sitting with Jimmy. Befriending Courtney. Hanging out with Hali. Helping mom in the garden. Guinea pigs. Learning. 

What kind of star am I? What kind of star was I born to be? What kind of star will I become?