You're one year older, one year wiser. What is one thing that you learned this year?
Remember your "why."
I often get caught up in existential musings, such as questions like these: “What’s the point?” and “What difference does it make?” and “Who cares?” and “Why does it matter?” Not literally asking for the answer, but more rhetorical frustration of “Why am I here because none of this life feels worth living” kinds of meaninglessness despair.
These questions most often come up for me when I’m in the middle of something really challenging. I might be trying to get motivated to do a hard thing, like write a book or train jiujitsu or go to work or go skiing, or even just get up in the morning, get out of bed, and get through the day. Or perhaps in the middle of a quagmire at work or a difficult relationship dynamic. When I’m spending a ton of energy on something, I start to doubt the validity of that effort–or even just question the nature of existence altogether: Why am I here?
If I look at the immediate reasons for something, I often get discouraged. The immediately felt benefits of hard work, while sometimes rewarding in and of itself, are often not enough for me to keep going.
But something helped me a lot this year. I remembered a motivational saying that captured the essence of purpose and meaning that I was craving: Remember your why.
Take my job for example. If I took it too literally, where I actually saw that my mission in life was to coordinate engineering projects for consumer electronics clients who have no other goal besides getting rich, I don’t know if I could get myself to go into work and devote hours of each day of my life to that mission. To me, that mission is not only meaningless but also potentially destructive to the environment and even to society. I would and do get discouraged pretty quick.
So I have to remember my larger “why”: to contribute to the family and take care of my Bruno. It’s not about making money itself. It’s what that money signifies: my money and energy traded in to provide for a shelter, food, and medical care for me and those I love. That’s it.
If my why for training jiujitsu was simply “to get a black belt,” I’m already gone and quit. I’ve thought about my “why train jiujitsu” a lot recently, because it’s expensive and time consuming, and I’ve thought about quitting many times. “Why am I doing this?” And a tiny voice inside responds: “To move my body and feel strong, to feel alive. Because this is my playtime. To stay mentally engaged and devoted to learning. To share my presence and story as a trans athlete, offering visibility, connection, or inspiration to others.”
Jiujitsu itself isn’t the ultimate “why” — it’s a vehicle for a bigger purpose: living a life that feels strong, curious, creative, and joyful.
So when you’re caught in the spiral of “why does this matter?” or “what’s the point of living?” remember your why. And not the immediate reason of “I want to be fit, look good, feel good, get recognition, get wealth, get validation.” But instead the bigger picture: a higher purpose. Only you can know what that is. Remember your why — it’s usually pretty abstract and separated from the immediate task at hand.
I don’t know a lot. In fact, what I don’t know is a lot more than what I do know. But this is some of the wisdom I’ve gained in the last year. I hope I remember it throughout the next year, and I’m also excited about what else I’m going to learn. Already excited about the jiujitsu and yoga and writing and spiritual journeys that I’m on and excited about what that could turn into, while not losing sight of what really matters: taking care of my Bruno. And to grow. To create. To love.
What’s your “why”?
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