In my previous post, I wrote that: "Being trans is so much more than just the skin of the apple. Trans is the rich and juicy texture below the surface."
I believe this whole-heartedly.
And yet.
There is always culture. Culture shapes us into who we are. There is always society. Society is always there interacting with you. As Torrey Peters writes in Detransition Baby: "No matter how you self-identity ultimately, chances are that you succumb to becoming what the world treats you as" (36). Does this mean that we should all just succumb to what the world thinks we should be? Absolutely not.
What it means is: When the way people see you doesn't match up with the way you see yourself, it's easy to have some serious disconnection with self, body, and soul. Being trans is about replacing connection with disconnection.
Because gender is real. And because is gender is absolutely socially constructed, how you present--from your name to your pronouns to your clothes and more--will affect the way people treat you. If you change your presentation so that it matches up with the way you want to be treated, you can experience more resonance and less dissonance with yourself and the world.
Being trans is about how I want to be seen and treated within the socially constructed reality of the gender spectrum. Within that socially constructed reality that we all live in during our time here on this Earth, how you present and identify affects the way that people see and treat you.
Here I provide you with a brief anecdote to describe what I mean by this.
Before I learned how to ski in the backcountry, there had been an underlying assumption in the family that if Brai and their sibling wanted to go out skiing, I would stay behind, which is what happened during COVID. Or, that I would ski the easier stuff, or I would hike instead. During that time, I often grouped myself in with Brai's female in-laws.
But then I learned how to ski in the backcountry in November 2020.
About a month later, Brai and I had been out skiing several times and I was starting to improve. Over the Christmas break, two of Brai’s other siblings and their girlfriends came to visit us in Colorado. This was after I had changed my name to Saar and Brai's family was using they/them pronouns with me.
I was also presenting masculine.
Brai's family knew the drill--when someone is using they/them pronouns, as their sibling does, that person wants to be seen and treated as gender neutral.
Over New Year’s, we all went out on a two-day ski hut trip in the backcountry of Colorado.
Making our way up to the hut, I carried two heavy bags. To get the food, water, cooking supplies, and other equipment up the mountain, I had to carry one bag on my back and one on my front. Nobody once said, “Omg are you okay? Is that too heavy for you? Let me help.” A couple people said, “You’re strong! Wow, look at you” but nobody even once suggested that I was too weak. Nobody exaggeratingly exclaimed about how I’m amazingly strong for a woman (which is something I get a lot when people see how big my arms are).
During one of the days, the ladies of the group sat at the bottom of the mountain in the sun and cheered everyone else on.
For me, there was an audible silence: nobody suggested even once that I join the girls, that I was one of the girls, that I should sit with the girls, that I should watch and cheer everyone else on. I and everyone else assumed that I would just be skiing with everyone else. Of course, I’m still a beginner skier and I fell several times going down the mountain and went slower than everyone else on the way down.
But the last lap up the mountain? I charged up the hill faster than anyone else. On my way down, the ladies cheered me on just like they did with everyone else.
“You’re such a bad ass!” one of them said after my third lap up the mountain. That moment was gender euphoria for me.
I was just part of the group. I was just one of the athletic humans going up and down the mountain, carrying all the gear and crushing it in the process. Not being grouped in with the females in any way that entire trip was incredibly validating for me.
Some of you may be thinking: “Well, that’s how it should be for everyone, not just trans people!” Or, “I’m a cis woman and I feel the same way being grouped in with girls when it comes to sports or other activities!”
Yes, I agree! We really shouldn’t have these gender constructs that divide us into categories based on our genitalia or our presentation and appearance. I think everyone can agree on that and I think everyone can agree that we should have equality between the sexes.
But that’s not my point here: my point is not to say that gender is socially constructed. Of course gender is socially constructed. I think that idea is widely understood and accepted. My main point here is not to say that we should dismantle the patriarchy and all be equal and see each other as humans instead of as “men” and “women.” (though I do agree with those ideas!)
My main point here is that I’m fucking trans and that Brai’s family validated my identity by 1) using my name, 2) using my pronouns, 3) not using female terms like “girl” or “lady” to describe me, and 4) whether subconsciously or consciously not grouping me in with the other women on the trip.
Now, if I want equal rights, of course I don’t have to change my name, gender, pronouns, and appearance just so I can be treated as a human. Lots of cis women are fighting for their rights and doing a great job. Yay for them! BUT presenting masculine means that I am looking at the social construction of gender and saying, “Okay, that’s a thing and I AM here on the spectrum.” AND presenting masculine means that I am treated and seen in society as a way that affirms the way I feel inside: like a guy, like a dude, like a human.
The public perception that being trans = how you dress and what hormones you are on is a misconception. Being trans is so much deeper than these superficial, surface level, and frankly, vain aspects.
Being trans is about how you feel in your soul, in your heart, in your mind, and in your spirit. How you feel there doesn’t match up with what society expects of you. There is a disconnect between the sex you were assigned at birth and how you feel on the inside. Being trans is about healing that disconnection. Being trans is aligning your inside with your outside in a way that you want to be seen and treated in the world.
You thought I might forget but I haven't: Whether you are cis or trans, what can you do to present to the world in a way that matches how you feel inside and how you want to be treated?
If you want to play sports, does that mean you should start dressing like a boy? Absolutely not. You should go out and play sports and demand equality no matter what your gender is. Does it mean that if you don't want to wear make-up and still be treated like a human being at work, then you should go ahead and do that? YES. Does it mean that if you don't want to wear high-heels and still be treated like a human, then you should go ahead and do that? YES.
Does it mean that if you want to wear that pink floral top even though it makes you look a little femme, then you should go ahead and do that? YES. Does it mean you should go get a pedicure because it feels good even though you think it's a girls thing to do? YES. Does it mean you should demand from society to treat you the way you want to be treated--with respect and dignity for the human being that you are? YES.
Does it mean that society will always treat you the way you want to be treated? No. But it doesn't mean we should stop trying.
