Being Trans: The Cultural: External Appearance: Part 1

“Biology enables, culture forbids. Biology is willing to tolerate a very wide spectrum of possibilities, it’s culture that obliges people to realize some possibilities while forbidding others.” –Yuval Noah Harari, Sapiens

In my previous post, I discussed the biological reasons behind being transgender. At the same time, I emphasized that in all of the neurological and evolutionary biological research--from large studies on the brains of transgender people to fish that change their sex--the one thing that everyone can agree on is this: biology, from the brain to biological sex, exists on a spectrum. 

Breaking news: Life isn't binary. 

I want to dive into that post-modern stuff I criticized somewhat in my previous post. Even if I criticize it, I do not dismiss it. I believe strongly in the value of deconstructing categories and identity. I just don't think that deconstructing the structures is all there is. I think there is more to reality than writing off categories altogether, and there is more to transness than simply writing off gender altogether. Transness cannot be reduced to one element. It's a combination of many things: 

Genetic + Biological + Evolutionary + Cultural + Representation + Acceptance + Spirit + Creativity + Wholeness + Authenticity = Transness

The next few posts will dive into the cultural aspects of queerness, transness, and gender as socially constructed realities.

To begin, I first want to overturn an assumption. Some people, usually people who are cis and thus have a hard time relating to the feeling of being trans, believe that being trans is about your appearance. They think that the trans journey is about changing the way you look on the outside.

In the worst manifestations of this mindset, this shows up as: "You look like a girl, so I'm going to call you a girl." 

In its more kind manifestations, this shows up as a misconception. Some people think that being trans is about wearing a dress or a suit, wearing make-up or growing a beard. I'm not denying that those things certainly are important for many people. They're important for me too--I love looking masculine. But that’s like saying the skin of an apple is the substance of the apple. Being trans is so much more than just the skin of the apple. Trans is the rich and juicy texture below the surface. The stuff that you don’t see is what defines transness.

In my most recent post, I discussed the difference between resonance and dissonance. 

I drew the analogy that resonance is like hearing music that makes your soul want to dance. Being trans makes me feel like I've just heard a new genre of music that suddenly clicks for me. The genre of music had always been there, but I'd never really listened to it. Now that it's in my Apple Music Library, I can't stop listening to it and dancing. The music makes me feel alive, connected, seen and heard by the universe. 

Is that how good music makes you feel? Because I don't know about you, but when I'm listening to some of my favorites--Bach and Emancipator being two of my favorite artists--that's how I feel. I feel like the music is speaking to my soul, like somehow the artist knew that I just wanted to hear it. But I know it's not just me and not just the artist. It's everyone listening to the same music and appreciating it as much as me: we are all connected with the same feeling when we listen. Somehow the music makes me feel less alone, like the composer and the musicians feel it too, and that's how they knew what to write and what to play. 

I feel seen and heard by the universe when I hear a song that resonates with me. That's what resonance is. That's how resonance with your gender should feel too. 

What makes you feel resonance in terms of your gender?

Why, I'm so glad you asked. Some people also call this "gender euphoria." 

• Men's cologne and deodorant. There is something so visceral about scent. Of course, those scents are also socially constructed by some random company who decided "this is how men should smell." Sure, sure, I know. But I still love it. I can't explain it, but when I wear men's cologne, I'm like, "YES. THIS IS ME." 
• To bring it back to biology one more time: This might be because the part of the brain that processes smell is apparently located in/near the same part of our brain that effects emotions, memory, and creativity.
• The other day I was with a male co-worker and someone who didn't know me addressed us as “hello, gentlemen.” It was the best. 
• Getting sir’d.
• When my friends call me "bro" and "dude."
• Being aggressive when training jiujitsu and being treated like a male with my jiujitsu friends at the gym (which has been our default setting for about a year now and it makes me feel so seen and heard). 
• Wearing boxers. 
• Cutting my hair short at a barbershop. 
• People using they/them or he/him pronouns to describe me. 
• Not wearing make-up. 
• Shaving my face. 
• Walking around without a shirt. 
• Last summer, I went camping with a gay platonic friend. I told him on the car ride about how I might be trans. When we got to the campsite, it was burning hot. He said he wouldn't mind if I walked around without a shirt since we were in the middle of nowhere and no one else would see. I walked around in boxers with no shirt. It was freeing and I was like, "THIS IS IT."

So, what about you? What makes you feel resonance in your gender? Is it jewelry and make-up? Whiskey and a football game? Everybody experiences gender differently--what helps you feel connected to Spirit and your body?

What makes you feel dissonance in terms of your gender?

My voice. There are lots of other things, of course, but my voice is one thing that is very feminine which makes me feel very disconnected from my body and my authenticity. I developed a very feminine voice as a way to fit in and cope with the world. 

So how do you know you're trans? 

There is a Knowing about this stuff that transcends language. The above examples of resonance tell me about my gender. 

Glennon Doyle puts it well in her book Untamed, where she refers to "the Knowing" as an internal spiritual intuitive teacher. 

Glennon Doyle talks about how important it is to take time to meditate and get in touch with your intuition. She affirms that this intuition does not use language to explain itself. She argues that you too do not need to use language to explain yourself (and yet, here I am...) but to just live your Truth and let your actions speak for themselves. Actually, there is a part of me that wanted to just delete this entire blog series. I thought to myself, "I can just live my Truth, I don't need to write about it!" Of course, I don't need to. But I decided that I wanted to and so I shall continue. 

In the meantime, how do you access your Knowing? Meditation or prayer? Yoga or running? Chakra alignment? Lighting a candle? That lightbulb moment in the shower? Music or drawing? The jump in your gut or the lump in your throat?

However you access your Knowing, remember to always listen and trust your intuition. I hope you take some time today to access your Knowing.