Every year, I like to do a post for my birthday answering the question: "You're one year older, one year wiser. What is one thing that you learned this year?" Of course, being the verbose person that I am, I always end up with more than one thing. This year, I'm going to post in multiple installments, each with one lesson from my 35th year (in no particular order). Here's the first one.
TLDR; If you burn the candle at both ends, you will burnout. You are borrowing energy from your future self and it will catch up to you.
When you override your instincts or your natural needs to eat and sleep, you are using a credit card with an interest rate to get the energy you need. Eventually the debt will catch up to you and you will have to pay the price, plus the interest that has built up on it. The longer you wait to pay it back, the more interest you will have to pay. That cost might come in the form of taking years off of your total life span. Or it could come in exhaustion, physical pain, injury, which could result in losing your job, hobbies, or relationships. It begs the question: is it worth it?
This borrowing of energy from your future self comes in many forms, sometimes addictive behaviors. Coffee is one mainstream example. Partying is another--whether imbibing in alcohol, indulging in drugs, or staying up too late. Workaholism, meaning that you are neglecting your mental and physical health for the sake of your job (such as staying up all night to finish a project at work) is one that society rewards.
Taking long periods of time to rest, reset, and recuperate are beautiful and worth it and important. Depending on how much energy debt you’ve built up, this period of time to rest could mean months or years.
On the other hand, choosing safety and rest and sleep – and the joy that comes with those things – over excitement is very fulfilling. Joy is and can be very quiet and just for yourself, though it can also be shared with others too. It doesn't have to be a late-night party or a big promotion at work. It can just be staying at home with your dog.
For me, my addictions to work, coffee, and other types of adrenaline- or dopamine-producing activities have led to some burnout, and working through some of those addictions has been huge.
Everyone has addictions in some form. Some are good coping strategies, some are more harmful. Which are yours and why? Having the awareness and self-compassion for those addictions goes a long way. Is it something you’re choosing to do or is it choosing you against your will? To me, that's the difference between a behavior and an addiction: consent. In my mind, if you feel like you must do something in order to survive, get through the day, or it feels like something you can't NOT do, then it might be an addiction. If it is, it might be robbing your future self from yourself, your energy, and your future joy. Eventually, you will burnout. And it might not be worth it.
Everyone has addictions (plural!). It’s not about escaping them completely (for that can become an addiction in and of itself), but about being aware of them. It's about listening to the message that the addiction is bringing to you about you and your life. How can that awareness help you take the high road (aka, the more difficult and challenging steep path)? The one where you contribute to society without ego instead of your base instincts toward animalistic pleasures? You’re an animal but you also live in a society. What is your role in the collective at each moment? Sex (or similar pleasures including sugar), money and power are our base instincts. But does that lead to a fulfilling life?
There’s something about surrendering to a higher Self, to a higher Good, that is even more satisfying. I'm talking about the person that picks up litter even though nobody is watching or cares or knows. Even though picking up a piece of litter won't really make a difference. The person who takes the bus because it saves on a microgram of a microgram of air pollution. The person who writes the review on Google even though you’ll never see them again. Who feels and believes and contributes as a person living in and contributing to this society.
Is this society perfect? No. It has so many flaws as do you and I. But we’re here and we’re living in it. To feel like you’re contributing to it in some way feels good. Feels really good. To spend time with Bruno on New Year’s Eve so that he has some company during the fireworks instead of with Molly, the friend that always goes away the next morning. To empty the dishwasher. To refill the water in the chicken coop. To do yoga in the morning and work on a creative project and then go skiing because you’re not so exhausted that the next day is totally shot. To wash the solar panels because that increases their efficiency even though nobody else cares or will notice. To take the EV because it has a smaller carbon footprint even though you then have to stop and charge it. To boycott social media. To tip the delivery worker.
Because it’s not all about you. It’s about the collective good. It’s not all about your immediate pleasures. It’s about the society we’re making and the universe that we’re all a part of. It’s not about fame, money, power, pleasure, sex, adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin. It’s about contributing in our own small ways to the universe that we’re all a part of. But it’s not the big things. It’s the small things. And they all add up. And nobody is going to tell you what to do or pat you on the back. In fact, it might be quite the opposite. People might be jealous of you or codependent with you. They might be projecting their own insecurities onto you, which might cause them to feel resentful or angry. And in the meantime, you’re going against your most basic urges and cravings that make you an animal. But there’s something bigger and better out there. But it can only be achieved through moderation and sometimes a bit of struggle and discomfort.
But most of all, it’s about embracing the concept of only spending the energy you have and not taking out a loan and spending energy with debt. Because it will catch up to you one way or another.
Are you using a credit card with your brain and body to buy energy that you don’t have? Or are you living within your means? And are you being present to the suffering and struggle that is life and humanity? Or are you numbing and hiding out?
Because eventually you will reach the rock bottom of that pleasure and there will be nothing left to fill that void.
The alternative is that you can be present with that struggle. You can use contributions and quiet joy and rest and care for yourself and others to fill that hole, one shovel of dirt at a time.
I’m not saying that it’s easy. Choosing truth over comfort might be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do and I still feel that void and that hole all the time. But I have felt greater fulfillment and satisfaction in the smallest moments of overcoming struggle and facing my discomfort and fears head on instead of hiding and numbing out with drugs.
So, as I step into my 36th year, I’m trying to live within my energy means. I’m learning to honor rest without guilt, to find joy in the quiet, and to choose presence over escape. I’m learning to spend energy like it’s sacred, not infinite. And in doing so, I’ve discovered rest. Maybe that’s the wisdom of this year: not to reach for more, but to care more deeply for what I already have—my body, my mind, my future self, and this flawed, beautiful world we all share.
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