THE NO CHALLENGE CHALLENGE
Brai noticed that I was very strict with myself regarding all of these challenges. I hated it if I missed a day and would go out of my way to make sure I had done my challenges each day even if I didn’t really want to.
I was also going way over the top by doing three to four different challenges each month. Me? Going way over the top? Noooooo. (This should come as no surprise to anyone reading this blog.)
I liked doing one challenge for my body (e.g., 5 minutes of stretching), one challenge for my mind (e.g., 15 minutes of reading), and one challenge for my spirit (e.g., 5 minutes of meditation) each month because that felt like a nice way to balance things out.
“Have you thought about doing no challenges for one month?” Brai asked me one day.
“Now that would be a real challenge!” was my response.
I didn’t really want to let go of my routine--I liked having 3 things to check off my list right away each morning--but I did want to challenge myself. So I did it. In October 2020, I did a no challenge month. No challenges for the month of October, just whatever felt right and whatever I felt like doing each day.
I didn’t fall off the wagon and eat chocolate cake every night. I still did Crossfit and stretching in the morning. I still did my Intermittent Fasting and mindful eating. I still did my creative writing. The earth didn’t fall off its axis.
Did I—dare I say—maybe learn to trust myself a little bit??
Maybe, just maybe, I can trust myself to take care of my body without it being a kind of "obligation" from an arbitrary notion of a challenge (30 is an arbitrary number, too).
I have to say though, the “no challenge” challenge was not my favorite challenge. Now, I love having unstructured days where I don’t have anything planned. One day is one thing. A whole month is a whole other thing. I felt scattered and lost, like I had no direction at times. Most of all, I felt unaccomplished.
I wanted that list to check off. I wanted to have those things to do each day, the routine to keep me anchored. I wanted the feeling of accomplishment to say, I DID IT!! I crave that pat on the back, the triumphant feeling of being able to brag about what I'd done (hence, this blog). Indeed, there is a little bit of arrogance inherent in the challenges in feeling like I was conquering something—or someone? That someone being myself? I felt like I was conquering laziness itself like a knight defending its castle--the castle being my ego.
These days in Prague I have a very unstructured schedule. Nobody cares when I work or what I do. This gives me an opportunity to re-think my structured lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I still do at least three challenges each month and I am not ashamed of that. But I am trying to find a delicate balance between appreciating the structured parts of myself and also trying to let go of the list-making as a crutch. My lists are a self-soothing technique for anxiety. I would like to embrace the chaos more.
I love the structured and disciplined side of myself and I love routine. The “30 day challenge” part of myself is something that I love about myself and I’m not going to stop doing it. At the same time, I am challenging myself to let go of some of those mindsets—routines, schedules, and lists—as a crutch and as a barrier to my creative, spontaneous self. Being too structured definitely has a self-sabotaging effect that is holding me back from creating the life I really want.
This month, I am doing an unstructured month in the sense that I am waking up every morning and not asking myself, “what do I have to do today?”, but “what do I want to create today?” A lot of times the answer is, “I want to create a healthy body,” and I do Crossfit and/or yoga and/or jiujitsu. A lot of times the answer is, “I want to create some fun, interesting writing.” I am letting go of my time-tracking my writing and letting my body and soul lead the way this month. In the meantime, I have found myself to be pretty productive in terms of writing and research.
Sometimes the most challenging thing is to do nothing at all.
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