Monday, February 29, 2016

Standing between binaries, The Sequel

As part of my comps preparation, over the summer I read Saigon’s Edge: On the Margins of Ho Chi Minh City (University of Minnesota Press, 2011), an excellent book about contemporary Vietnam. The book is written by Erik Harms, a professor of anthropology at Yale University.

In this post, I talk about the power of standing between binaries, something that I've discussed before on a more personal basis. This post is a more intellectual or, dare I say, philosophical take on bifurcated categories.

Saigon’s Edge was first recommended to me by my friend [you can read his blog here]. He recommended it because he had read a draft of one of my articles about Old Nanjing. In the (still unpublished) article, I talk about contested urban modernity. That is, alternative visions of progress (i.e., looking beyond skyscrapers as a sign of improvement) that are both realized and resisted in Old Nanjing.

The residents of Old Nanjing showed me the contradictions and ambivalence of modernity and development. The residents of Old Nanjing both love and hate their neighborhood, and both eagerly anticipate and dread its demolition and their families’ displacement. Through their everyday practices, they both perpetuate and resist the state’s vision of urban modernity. The state defines modernity as progress and order of the urban built environment (e.g., skyscrapers). The residents seem to agree with this in some senses as they eagerly anticipate moving to a building with indoor plumbing. Yet, again and again they insist that the tight-knit relationships they have with their neighbors will be impossible in such a modern building. In this way, the new skyscrapers don’t mark progress, but rather fragmented social relations.

Harms’ book, packed full of extremely interesting ideas and colorful anecdotes, speaks to a lot of the same ideas and experiences I had in Old Nanjing. He very successfully ties the relevance of his case study in a neighborhood called Hoc Mon, located on the urban fringes of Saigon/Ho Chi Minh City in Vietnam, to broader theoretical approaches of (post-)structuralism and modernity. Being a rapidly urbanizing rural area just outside the city limits, Hoc Mon is situated physically and socially between the urban and rural. Hoc Mon is “neither country nor city but uncomfortably both,” Harms writes.   
The main point of the book is to examine the contradictions and paradoxes of categories. That is, how we try to put concepts into boxes with fixed labels, such as gay/straight or male/female. Even though these idealized categories are culturally and socially constructed, and in practice the categories often don’t fit our everyday lives (bisexuals and transexuals are good examples), the categories still have very real, tangible, and material effects on our lives. While we continuously create a world broken up into black and white categories, more often than not we find ourselves in some kind of grey area in-between. Those differences are a myth.  

Harms is mostly interested in the binaries of rural versus urban and inside versus outside. He is very interested in how these binaries are false--that is, imagined social constructions because there is no real divide between the urban and rural. In reality, these two categories intermingle in both the physical landscape and in social practice, and are mapped onto spatial, material, temporal, and social realities.

He examines how people reproduce and try to make sense of the rural/urban and inside/outside categories; how the state represents them; how people utilize them for personal advancement; how people simultaneously oscillate between them across space and time; and how people express love-hate relationships of them.

For example, he shows how people love and hate the city, and how the city signifies both power and danger, and how the city is both empowering and oppressive. He shows how people see urban development with triumph and pride, but also are nostalgic for rural lifestyles. Hoc Mon residents straddle the line between the despised rural villagers and the civility of the urban.

The idealized categories of urban/rural and inside/outside are both transgressed and reproduced in the everyday lives of Hoc Mon residents. Life in Hoc Mon is a life simultaneously full of despair and opportunity, of power and oppression, of inclusion and exclusion.

He provides a brilliant example to illustrate the simultaneous oscillation between inclusion and exclusion that is experienced in Hoc Mon. According to the patrilineal marriage customs in Vietnam, where the wife of the family joins the male family, she is considered to be an outsider,  and yet is still a part of the family; she is hated by her in-laws but needed for reproduction.

In a similar way the urban fringe is necessary for the life of the city (provides cheap labor and manufacturing), and is needed for capitalist reproduction. The urban fringe and the rural are necessary parts of the city, yet seen as the outside of it. Like the daughter-in-law, the urban fringe--where the poor and marginalized of the city live--is a source of life for the city, yet despised (think of the way New Yorkers seem to hate New Jersey and people from New Jersey, for example).

In another example, he uses a Vietnamese proverb that says, "suck the soapberry and call it sweet,” to describe the way that urbanization and development is bitter, but people force themselves to like it anyway. Like sucking on a soapberry, life in Hoc Mon is a bittersweet experience of social change, and people express a love/hate relationship with the changes of urbanization, and with the life changes that come with economic development. On the one hand, they have more money, technology, and an improved standard of living. On the other hand, there is dispossession, poverty, fatigue, pollution, inequality, crime, and a loss of community and close social connections. The sweet is the ideal of the city, imagined as civilized and orderly, but the bitter is the chaos of everyday life: despair, inequality, and poverty.

Meanwhile, people negotiate their own sense of self in these temporal and spatial worlds. You can think of this as similar to someone who lives in New Jersey but works in New York City. In this arrangement, this person is able to make more money than they would in New Jersey, but pay lower housing prices than they would in New York City. By working in the city, but living in the “country,” they put themselves at an advantage. Going abroad to work and sending remittances home is another example of manipulating space and time differences for personal benefit.

This is what Harms calls “spatiotemporal oscillation,” which occurs when one is able to move between the rural and urban in space and time. This is a form of power that attempts to harness the advantages of both rural and urban at once. The most relevant socioeconomic division in Hoc Mon is between those who manipulate the categories and those don’t. For those who don’t challenge the categories, the urban/rural dichotomy becomes an exclusionary and constraining binary. But for those who can straddle themselves with one foot in each category, landing in the grey area in-between the binaries? They’re the ones who succeed the most.

In other words, Hoc Mon residents use the false myth of the rural/urban dichotomy “as a means to harness the advantages of two competing forms of spatiotemporal organization that give them the power to reproduce themselves as social persons” (Harms 2011).  

MIND BLOWN. By deconstructing these constraining binaires, and understanding ourselves as situated somewhere in-between, we can harness the power to reproduce ourselves as social persons, as unique snowflakes. Not as robots, or cogs in the machine, or slaves to the man. But as social persons: alive in the world through our social connections to other people, standing between binaries.

Monday, February 1, 2016

My Year of Daring Greatly: Gratitude for 2015

2015 was a year of growth and change for me. It was also a year of adventure, love, and thrilling challenges. Here are some of the things I got to do in no particular order, which looking back on fills me with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude.

In 2015, I competed in 4 jiujitsu competitions, took the Amtrak train across Colorado to go hiking with my aunt in Moab, watched rom-coms with Becky in New York City, experienced the debauchery of Las Vegas, visited Nanjing three (!) times, took a 41-hour train across China, trained jiujitsu with my best friend in Thailand, hitchhiked across the Chinese border with Kirghiz truckers, got put on house-arrest after attending a friend’s wedding, visited the ancient Buddhist grottoes in Kucha, fell in love, fell out of love, got kicked out of a hotel, drank wine and star-gazed with friends on the roof of my 18-story apartment building, got kicked off of said roof, cycled along the Karakoram Highway to the Chinese-Pakistani border, went hiking with sheep herders in the Tianshan mountains, stayed in a homestay in Osh, Kirghizstan, listened to over 100 hours of audio-books and podcasts, became conversationally proficient in Uyghur, partied until dawn broke and got lost walking home in the morning light, went dancing at Uyghur clubs and weddings, fainted in the middle of a restaurant, wore a headscarf and got mistaken for being Uzbek (multiple occasions), shared many laughs, tears, and my heart with dear friends, went biking through the mountains of the suburbs of Urumchi, taught jiujitsu, kicked the shit out of said jiujitsu students, (kind of) learned how to kickbox, got the shit kicked out of me by multiple 14-year old girls during sparring on multiple occasions, watched the sunset over Urumchi, traveled by bus and train along the southern Silk Road across the Teklimakan desert, wandered the “old” city of Kashgar discussing love and life with Kay, presented my research in Chicago, felt incredible gratitude laughing with my cousins, aunts, and uncles in Arizona over Thanksgiving dinner, bonded with my sister over Christmas in North Carolina, saw Hunger Games with my dad, and found out that hospital beds are really comfortable when you’re cuddling with your mom.

It’s been a hell of a year. Bring it on, 2016!

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Being the person I want to meet in this world

New Year’s resolutions are always tricky--they’re a kind of unique blend between self-deprecation and hope for change. As I talked about in a recent post about standing between binaries, this past year has been a lot of trial and error regarding those shaky balances between extremes.


There is another balance beam that I find myself on as I think about the person that I am and the person I want to become: how to work to improve yourself while also accepting yourself as the imperfect being that you are. So this post is going to be about working towards being more compassionate by first practicing self-compassion (click here for more info on this and I also recommend this book).


Are you noticing a theme yet? Standing between binaries; finding the balance between the extremes; walking on a balance beam.  


ANYWAY.


Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m a self-help book junkie who loves spouting cliches and inspirational soundbites at every opportunity (e.g., “life begins at the end of your comfort zone,” and “life is about the journey, not a destination”). But it’s always easier said than done.


I did some things last year that didn’t reflect the person that I want to be in this world. And that filled me with more shame than anything else. I know the person I want to be. I want to be compassionate. To me, being compassionate means being kind, mindful, and aware of the common humanity that we all share--really seeing the human being standing in front of you and acknowledging their value.  


There are three components to being compassionate that I want to talk about: self-compassion, setting boundaries, and being forgiving when people don’t live up to your expectations.


First, the most important part of being compassionate towards others is to first practice self-compassion. This is hard at first because it’s very counter-intuitive. We might think that we can hate ourselves, but still be loving people towards others. FALSE.


Practicing self-compassion means being kind to yourself. How can you claim to love others when you put yourself down all the time? Do you really hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? Or when you call yourself “fat,” are you also shaming all of the other fat people around you? When you call yourself lazy, are you also judging other people who don’t work as hard as you?


Practicing self-compassion allows us to be more mindful of the needs of others. We’re already taken care of, so we can recognize the signs when someone else is struggling. If we aren’t taking care of ourselves, it’s extremely difficult to be there for others when they need us. When we feel tired, stressed, hungover, or depressed, it’s extremely difficult to help out a friend in need. If we’re stressing about how fat we look or how bad our acne is or how stupid we sound, we aren’t really seeing or hearing others. We’re too obsessed with hating ourselves to really see and hear the person across from us.


In seeking this self-acceptance and practicing self-compassion, there’s another balance beam component that I sometimes forget: It’s about setting standards with people (don’t be a doormat), but also accepting the fact that other people will never be perfect either.

Anyone who does this successfully deserves a gold medal and sainthood.  


One of the barriers to compassion is the fear of setting boundaries and holding people accountable. Brene Brown writes that since becoming more serious about boundaries, she’s become genuinely more compassionate. The heart of compassion is acceptance of ourselves and others. How can we do that if people are walking all over us? She writes, when we fail to hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. We need boundaries and accountability to stave off resentment, blaming others, and putting others down.


MIND BLOWN.


I've striven to be a compassionate person. It never crossed my mind that part of being compassionate has to do with setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their shitty actions. This is super difficult for me and something I’d like to work on more in 2016.  


Finally, be compassionate when people don’t live up to your expectations. I’ve had a lot of, “I HATE PEOPLE! Why are humans such terrible, selfish, self-centered beings?” moments in the past year. It’s true that there are some terrible people out there. But for the most part, people are just going through some shit and don’t know how to handle it. Yes, I can be angry and bitter and stop talking to all of my friends. Or I can be compassionate towards their struggle and our common humanity--the fact that suffering is a part of the human experience. I can make that choice.


I realized this when I was talking to one of my dear friends about some trouble I was having with a group of catty friends. She asked me, “Do you really think they are just genuinely bad people? Or do you think there’s a reason they’re being shitty?” And I responded, “I think they have their own shit going on and I know they don’t have the energy to be there for me right now.”


Later that night a rush of memories came flooding back to me about all the times that I was a shitty friend. Whenever I’ve been a terrible friend it’s because for some reason at that moment or time in my life I didn’t have the emotional energy or resources to be there for my friends. As a result, I ended up coming off as a bad person.


So remember to be understanding and compassionate when people are imperfect and remember that they have their own stuff going on. Don’t take it personally. Sometimes we don’t get back what we put in. It sucks, but it does happen.


Sometimes people don’t have the emotional intelligence or capacity to be vulnerable all the time. None of us do. Sometimes we don’t respond to emails or texts. Sometimes we don’t know what to say. Sometimes we prefer to hide rather than reach out. Sometimes we prefer to stay silent than be honest. Sometimes we prefer to lie than to tell the truth. So we can’t necessarily always expect everyone to be there for us all the time. If they disconnect, or get enraged, it’s probably because they’re going through their own shit in their lives and they can’t handle the emotional risk of being vulnerable, so they protect themselves by disengaging/hiding/ghosting, or they get angry or emotional. Sometimes the people in our lives aren’t up to the task of being there for us. And we need to be forgiving of that as well.


We cannot and should not expect everyone to be vulnerable with us all of the time- they need to protect themselves as well.


However, we can and should expect ourselves to be the change we want to see in the world. In other words, the only person you should try to fix is yourself.


This does not mean being perfect. None of us can or ever will be perfect. But whenever I get bitter and frustrated with the state of the world, and feel like no one is as vulnerable or as honest as I would like them to be, I remember that if there is one person I need to work on fixing, it is myself. I look in the mirror at what I want to improve and think about the person I’d like to become (I’m not there yet). And I strive to be the person I want to be in this world. I strive to be the change I’d like to see. I wish for more authenticity and vulnerability in this world and so I try to be the one to trust first, to be vulnerable first, to be honest. There is a person I’d like to become and here are my personal commandments for 2016 and beyond.


  1. Practice compassion, courage, and connection
  2. Choose authenticity
  3. Accept that suffering and shame is part of the human experience
  4. Believe in your value
  5. Be the change you wish to see in the world
  6. Dare greatly
  7. Leave your comfort zone
  8. Cherish the journey
  9. Ask for what you need
  10. Accept yourself as you are


In true form to my self-help junkie personality, I leave with this inspirational quote from this video about being "Done with Love:"

“What’s the goal? If our goal is to get it right every time, that’s a problem. If that’s your mentality, you’re going to give up because you’ll never win. The goal has to be ‘I’m going to be the person I want to be in this world.’ Start by being who you want to be, and then filter out the people who don’t accept that. Allow yourself to live up to the standards you’ve set for yourself. If someone takes it the wrong way, that’s fine. Move on and look for someone else who is better suited to your standards.”

Saturday, January 30, 2016

A day in the life of a PhD student: Part 2, USA version

One of the things I like about being a PhD student is that no day is ever the same, and no year is ever the same. Sometimes when I tell people that it’s going to take more than 6 years to get my PhD, they groan with wide-eyes and pained look on their face, “That’s so much school!”

It’s true that 6-7 years IS a long time. However, it doesn’t feel like a long time to me because each year progresses and builds on to the next, so that I’m doing different stuff all the time. It never gets boring or stale. Actually I’d probably stay in school my whole life avoiding the “real world” if given the choice--I don’t think I’m alone in that either...

During my first year of the PhD I took classes (3 graduate seminars each semester). During my second year I took more classes and wrote my Master’s thesis. During my third year, I took more classes, lived in China learning Uyghur, and worked on turning my MA thesis into publishable articles. Now I’m in my fourth year and after finishing up 5 months of preliminary fieldwork in China, I’m preparing for my comprehensive qualifying exams (aka comps), a midway threshold for PhD candidacy. So although I can hardly claim that the following is a “typical” day in the life of me, not to mention most PhD students, still the most common question I get from acquaintances to close friends is, “What do you do all day??” In an attempt to satisfy their curiosities, I bring to you a typical day in the life of me as a PhD student during winter 2016, the USA version. This is what it looks like to be at my home institution studying for comps.

I wake up at 6:30 am to the sound of my iPhone alarm playing a tune called “sparkles” and turn on the NPR hourly news podcast. I listen to the horrifying news of mass shooting, terrorism, flooding, and war, and don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or vomit. This usually wakes me up.

I gather my backpack, workout gear, helmet, and lunch before I head out the door. I listen to music as I pedal along Boulder Creek, a winding and sloping bike path through a wooded area. I love the sound of the creek and wind in my ears, with the sunshine on my cheeks and the blue fluffy clouds I can see over the Flatiron mountains in the distance. I make it to my office in about 10 minutes, in just enough time to be out of breath and sweaty.

[side note:

My adviser is associated with a research institute on campus that is separate from the geography department. I’m lucky that I’m given a cubicle at the research institute where my adviser works. It’s called the “Institute of Behavioral Sciences” and it was built specifically to encourage interdisciplinary collaboration. It houses anthropologists, sociologists, demographers, geographers, psychologists and others. Since my adviser works on behavior related to climate change and ethnic conflict, he’s a perfect match for the wide variety of research and collaborations there.

It’s a pretty fancy building with an espresso machine, and the free coffee it provides is one of the best things about working there. But I also get my own little cubicle which is a huge perk for just being a lowly graduate student. My L-shaped desk also has a bookcase where I store most of my books and files. I have a desktop iMac, and a map and pictures of Xinjiang pinned up all around me, as well as letters and cards I’ve gotten from friends. If you come find me at any point of the year, it will probably look like a homeless person is living there, as I usually have a pile of dishes, food and snacks on my right side, a set of jiujitsu and workout gear, boxing gloves and climbing shoes hanging up, and stacks of library books, notebooks, and cards on my left. Here's a picture.]



I get to work by 7:30 am. I’m at my best in the morning, so I usually do my writing for the first few hours in the morning. This usually involves either writing or revising articles for publication (I have 4 articles in the works right now), or writing grant applications for dissertation fieldwork in China next year.

At 11:30 am, I usually take a break to workout. I’ll go to my jiujitsu gym and either drill jiujitsu moves if I can find a partner, or do Crossfit or kickboxing. After working out, showering, and eating lunch, I head back to the office. By the time I get back, it’s 2 pm. From 2-6 pm, I read and summarize books and articles for my comps.

I’m studying 3 main focus areas right now: political geography, China geography, and urban geography. The books and articles I read are usually related to my research and these three subjects in some way. Some are theoretical works, some are empirical studies, some are about the history of the field, some are about Chinese politics, some are about urban theory, some are about nationalism. I read them and summarize them in a big master doc I have.

Come comps exam time, I won’t be able to have access to any notes, articles or books. So for now I need to condense everything I can into a workable doc, and then study my notes two weeks before the exam, hoping that I’ll be able to remember enough to prove to my committee that I’m worthy of passing. I also write each work and its summary on a notecard, and at the end of every section, I try to draw connections between debates and conversations that are happening between the scholars and the works.

After quickly checking and responding to email, it’s time for my evening jiujitsu class, which takes up a couple hours in the evening, after which I shower, do laundry, listen to podcasts, eat dinner, and pass out.

I usually work Monday-Saturday and take Sundays off. Though this is a typical day, it varies of course. Sometimes I do Crossfit in the morning and don’t do kickboxing at noon. Sometimes I go to the gym early and drill before the evening class. Sometimes I have administrative tasks to do, like getting my student ID replaced because I seem to have left it in China somewhere. Sometimes I have meetings with my professors or mentors. Sometimes I go to the library to check out books. Sometimes I watch Uyghur soap operas or study Chinese grammar. Sometimes I post on my blog. Sometimes I go to the gym on campus and lift weights. Sometimes I skip jiujitsu and meet a friend for dinner, or spend the evening working in my office instead.

Besides jiujitsu, which is my main hobby, on those rare occasions when I find myself with free time (no, scratch that…on days when I make myself take a break because otherwise I might go insane…), I also may or may not have also been occasionally spotted hiking the beautiful trails of Colorado, contra dancing, biking along Boulder Creek, climbing at the Spot, skiing at Eldora, dancing on Pearl Street, getting a beer with a friend at a microbrewery, savoring some Indian food on Broadway Ave, sipping coffee at the Laughing Goat, taking myself out to the movies, and laying in bed eating Chinese take-out and binge-watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix or stand-up comedy on YouTube. One of my favorite things to do is talk on the phone with my parents or long-distance besties, the people who form the core of my support network. I love you guys. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

I’m not gonna lie, living in Boulder, CO is pretty awesome. I’m so grateful to have had the opportunity to live here.

How do I pay for all this? I have a fellowship. Thanks, Barak. 

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Standing Between Binaries



Some of you might recognize the stuff I’m talking about below to be inspired by Brene Brown. I was first inspired by her Ted Talk. I read three of her books this year: Daring Greatly, The Gifts of Imperfection, and I Thought It Was Just Me, all of which I highly recommend. If you’ve ever read her work, you’ll notice that she’s influenced me in a big way as I talk about in the post below.  




“If you wish to be a warrior prepare to get broken, if you wish to be an explorer prepare to get lost and if you wish to be a lover prepare to be both.” -Daniel Saint


This is my favorite quote from 2015.


I’ve wanted so badly to be able to love without being broken. I’ve wanted so badly to walk down the straight path of life (House + Marriage + Baby = Life) without getting lost along the way. And I’ve wanted so badly to be be able to learn without making mistakes.


Well, as I’m sure all of you will be shocked to learn, life doesn’t work that way. I’ve discovered that...drumroll please...you can’t succeed without failure. Shocking, I know. Making those mistakes is painful. Well, as it turns out that shame and suffering are part of the human experience. DAMNIT. I WANTED IT TO BE ALL SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS.


Take-Away Point #1: As long as we are human beings capable of love and connection, we will experience emotional pain and suffering.


Have I blown your mind yet?


How do you experience human connection without facing the shame of rejection? You can’t. How do you experience love without letting yourself get hurt? You can’t. How can you practice self-compassion while letting people walk all over you? You can’t. How can you succeed without failing? You can’t. How can you be creative without taking risks? How can you learn a foreign language without making mistakes? How do you cultivate respect without setting boundaries? You can’t. How do you hide from shame? You can’t.


You can imagine how disappointed I was to discover this.


In order to genuinely connect with others, we have to be open. We have to emotionally expose ourselves. We have to take the risk that they might reject us.


Courage is risking being disappointed. Courage is to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.




Embracing this new philosophy, and finding myself utterly alone in early 2015, I leaned in and I leaned in HARD.


I leaned into life and I leaned into my relationships. I leaned into my workaholism. I leaned into jiujitsu. I leaned into working out, lifting weights, and dieting. I gave everything and everyone my all until I had nothing left.


I said to life, “Okay, I’m here! I’m vulnerable! I’ve exposed my heart and my soul. Show me what you got! Give it to me, baby! You said if I loved and took risks and was vulnerable, then I would get love back. You said I had to pay it forward and then I would get the returns. Pay up!”


I had invested my whole heart into everything and everyone around me and I wanted my money back. I’d worked hard and I wanted my adviser to acknowledge that. I was a good friend and I wanted people to be as equally receptive to me as I was to them. I desperately sought validation from everyone around me: Was I good enough? I wanted everyone to tell me that I was.


Well. It turns out life’s not quite that simple (surprise, surprise!). I had extracted all of the sunshine and rainbows out of Brene Brown’s work and was like, “Oh! Okay. So vulnerability is the key to happiness. GOT IT. Happiness, here I come!” I didn’t look before I lept and ended up leaping off the edge of the Grand Canyon.


It turns out there’s a difference between being brave and being stupid.


As I went through my extreme vulnerability phase, I thought to myself, “WHAT? BUT I THOUGHT LOVE BEGETS MORE LOVE? HOW CAN PEOPLE BE SUCH TERRIBLE, SELFISH JERKS? PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE, I HATE PEOPLE” I screamed inwardly as people around me tore my heart out and trampled on it on the cold, hard linoleum floor over and over again. I was being vulnerable with people, why weren’t they returning the favor? Why were people taking advantage of me? Why were people pulling away from me, changing the subject, and re-directing conversations toward themselves? Couldn’t they see that I’d given them my all? And now they were leaving me out in the cold, alone and resentful.


I believed very strongly that being open and vulnerable with people was the key to happiness and connection, and as a result I was very open with people. But I was hurt many times by people who have taken advantage and used me for my openness and vulnerability. Thus began The Dark Ages of 2015.


I declared to myself and many people around me: “I don't think I can get close with anyone for a long time. I feel so jaded... Like my heart has been ripped out, used, and then thrown out by so many people this year. I can’t trust anyone ever again. I will never love again.”


I told myself that I wanted to end all of my human relationships once and for all, which created a dark cloud over my life. I started only seeing the negative and selfish sides of people. I built walls around my heart. I wanted to bury myself in a hole and never come out. I wanted to take a long nap and never wake up. I wanted to hide in my room and never leave. I had extinguished the fire of human love and connection in my life and in my heart. I had extinguished my purpose for being. I tried again to lean in to work, but wasn’t very successful this time. Without the fire of human connection, my life and my work was meaningless.


I read more deeply into Brene Brown’s work and I discovered something that she’d been saying all along, but I’d never really listened:


Take Away Point #2: You should only be vulnerable with people who have earned your trust.


OH.


Duh.


I learned a hard and valuable lesson that setting boundaries, waiting to establish trust, and protecting your vulnerabilities is just as important as being open and vulnerable.


I found that protecting your vulnerabilities allows you to feel safe so that you can be more open with the people who are the most important to you about the things that are most important to you.


What does protecting your vulnerabilities look like? It’s different for everyone. For example, I get nervous speaking Uyghur because I still make a lot of mistakes and I feel like it makes me look stupid. There are some people I know who make fun of me, or roll their eyes, or sigh, or are impatient with me when I make mistakes or when I ask them to repeat. Protecting my vulnerabilities doesn’t mean I should never speak Uyghur. It means I shouldn’t speak Uyghur with people who make me feel bad about myself when I do so. It means finding people who I know are patient with me enough to speak slowly and repeat themselves when I need them to, and practicing as much as I can with them.


For the Chinese government, it means keeping tight control over poor populations, while allowing the middle class more freedom. As Heberer and Gobel (2011) state, “In a seemingly contradictory fashion, authoritarian rule thus creates a limited space in which community self-governance is allowed and even desired.” I know, weird analogy. But it really resonated with me! When I read that, I was like, “That’s it!!! That’s it! Protecting your vulnerabilities grants you freedom!!”


As another example, protecting your vulnerabilities might mean not getting wasted at a party with your co-workers. It doesn’t mean you should never drink or you should never go out with your co-workers. It means having a few drinks with your closest friends, but keeping the alcohol at a minimum when you’re with people you don’t know super well.


Other examples would be not sharing your deepest darkest secret with a person you just met, or not asking an untrustworthy or unreliable friend for help at a time of need.


People have to earn your trust. It shouldn’t just happen automatically. Otherwise, you will end up emotionally exposed without the trust and care needed to make you feel safe.


The more mistakes you make, the more likely you are to succeed... BUT only when the people who you are making the mistakes in front of are willing and able to express compassion and empathy when you fail.


In the same way, setting boundaries allows you to be compassionate: How can you be compassionate to people when they’re walking all over you? Practicing self-compassion is the most selfless thing you can do: How can you be kind to others when you’re beating yourself up? Resting and relaxing allows you to be more productive: How can you work when you’re burned out?


I learned that I have to be open to the possibility of getting hurt every time I connect with another human. Because people will let you down. They will hurt you. Things will go wrong. You are not perfect and you never will be, just in the same way that the people around you are not perfect and they never will be.   


I learned that I need to be brave, but not careless. And that is a dangerous, unknown, tricky, and shaky balance beam to walk on. If I ever walk that line successfully, I’ll let you know. I’ll deserve a gold medal for that one. But I’m going to keep trying.


There was a point and time in my life this year when I was very open with people. Then I swung all the way on the other end of the spectrum: I will never love again, I declared. But now as this year is coming to a close, I’m slowly creeping towards the middle again, a balance point between extremes, standing between binaries.


As long as there is connection, love, and vulnerability, there will be pain and shame. I recognize and accept this fact of human nature. I can and should be vulnerable--with my relationships, with my jiujitsu, with my writing, and with learning new languages. Otherwise my relationships and skills will never progress. Yet, that does not mean I should be learning with everyone I come across with. It means establishing boundaries with who and what I can be vulnerable with, and being conscious of protecting myself from those vulnerabilities--not sharing my deepest secrets with the co-worker I just met, not picking the 250 white belt to roll, not insisting on speaking Uyghur with the people who I know will make fun of me. But it does mean calling my friends to share an embarrassing story. It does mean being willing to practice new languages. It does mean trying new jiujitsu moves on the mat. It does mean submitting articles for publication. It does mean asking for help when I need it.


I started off 2015 asking myself, How can I love without getting broken? And I’m ending 2015 asking, How can I be more compassionate? How can I build trust with the people I care about?


At heart I’m an explorer, lover, and warrior. And to that I say to life, BRING IT ON!!!! And I will probably always lean on the side of openness with people because in the depths of my heart I yearn for love, belonging, and human connection. But next time I’m going to look before I leap.


UGH, VULNERABILITY AND PAIN AND LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND HOPE! 

...Ugh... LIFE!

Oh and one more lesson I learned in 2015: