Entering Age 35

“You’re one year older, one year wiser. What is one thing that you learned this year?”

Okay, one thing or four things?

1. Work is always too much and never enough.

2. Do your own thing and don’t wait for others. Just go. 

3. Never let your threshold guardians dictate your path. Let them teach you. 

4. Flow with the seasons.

Work is all consuming and yet is a never-ending cycle of never catching up to the finish line. What is it about work that makes it feel like an endless void, a chasm of energy drain? I can never catch up, I can never get away from the tiger chasing me. I am on a hamster wheel. I am flooded endlessly by tasks that creep into my consciousness and tell me, “You must get this done!” in a snake-like hiss. Instead of going outside to play, I hunch in front of my computer, slurping coffee and click click click, tip tap tip goes the keyboard as I stare at a screen for hours on end. Bruno wonders what I’m doing. “Can we go outside? Can we play? Can we snuggle?” No, no, no. I am busy. I am working. No time for anything else. My shoulders ache, my neck screams to stop. When I do finally stop for the day, I have no energy left. My brain is fried, my eyes tired. The only thing I can do is eat something, as my body and mind think that I’ve been running from a tiger all day and thus am desperate for quick fuel. I do this day after day, and yet I still have to race the clock to get my 40 hours and I just barely make it, and the to-do list continues to grow. “It’s too much,” I say. And, it is never enough. 

I am a leader of trips. I move fast, I think fast. I plan, I do. I travel, I organize logistics. I think my way into the future. I imagine my Vertellis questions that will be waiting for me at the end of the year. I create experiences for myself and others, knowing that I’ll be grateful later. Not everyone appreciates this. Not everyone wants to have everything planned. Some thrive with an open and blank calendar. Some do not or cannot organize lots of logistics at once. Some like to think things over and weigh the pros and cons, and do research about all the possibilities. NOT ME. I like to plan and execute. I think about the trips I want and bring everything together to make that happen: flights, AirBnBs, permits, applications. I like to invite others but I do not like to wait for others. I will join and I will lead, I will invite, but I will not wait. I am adventurous and I go by myself if I have to. 

Listen to your threshold guardians but do not be discouraged by them. I am on a Hero’s Journey of transformation with many challenges and obstacles along the way. Some people call these threshold guardians, symbolized as the Siren Sisters in the Odyssey, for example. My threshold guardians are jiujitsu professors, teammates and empty morning classes; Nasty peer reviews and constant delays and re-writing of drafts; Challenging clients and a perfectionist boss; Doubts, insecurities, narratives of scarcity, narratives that I am not worthy, not good enough, will never amount to much. DO NOT LISTEN TO THE SIRENS! If you persist, you can and will prevail. Some evidence in my own life is: my blue belt in skiing, my brown belt in jiujitsu, progression on my book, improvements in training Bruno, lead climbing outside, 401(k) benefits and raises at work. I am married to the love of my life and living my Truth as a non-binary person. I have amazing friends who I show up for and who show up for me. BConnected is a strong and growing community. I am in great shape physically. I am progressing, growing, and evolving on this journey toward the integral level of spirituality and creativity. You must confront your threshold guardians OR ignore them but never let them dictate your path- let them teach you what you need to know to succeed on your journey. 

The seasons have a lot to teach about the constant shift in weather, mood, and focus. Seasonal sports come and go. Enjoy them while they last. Summer is a time to be wild and free, swim in the creek, dance at Red Rocks, hike the Colorado Trail, visit Rocky Mountain National Park, mountain bike the Monarch Crest Trail. It is a time to nourish my body, listen to the call for play, energy, and sensuality. Fall is a time for hibernation, sleep, rest as resistance, composting the shit, cocooning, reflecting and embracing the dark. Winter is a time for community, holiday parties, Christmas gifts, and skiing. Hot cocoa and snuggles. Stripping down to the bare essentials. Getting in shape for spring. Spring is a time to write, to watching the blooming flowers, to bask in the sunshine, to meditate and pray. Getting stuck in one season for too long is suffocating and boring. Changing up sports and routine, focus and goals every 3 months or so allows for change, shifts, and growth, movement and space, diversity, variety, adjustments, excitement, and rest.