I wrote in my journal one day all of my reasons for mindful eating:
“My stomach has been hurting a lot recently. I want to slow down when I eat so I don't hurt my stomach. I want to taste, savor and enjoy my food as one of the great sensual and bodily pleasures in life. Eating is a great way to nurture myself and doing it mindfully makes it a whole body experience. Mindful eating helps me connect with my body in a way that translates to other parts of my life. Mindful eating helps me practice mindfulness and presence, which translates to writing, doing jiujitsu and learning foreign languages, as well as other activities.”
Of course, mindful eating seems like an obvious thing to do and perhaps for some people this is the way they normally eat. So why is it so hard for me?
Because, for me, binge eating is also one of the great pleasures of life.
(People define binge eating in different ways, of course, but for the purposes of this essay, I define binge eating as eating as quickly as possible in big, engulfing bites, not really paying attention to the flavors or textures but eating with the sole purpose of feeling the heady intoxication of being too full--also known as “food coma.”)
Macaroni and cheese is my favorite food of all time. I ate it with full pleasure and abandon even when I was vegan, as I declared finding and preparing vegan macaroni and cheese to be my new favorite hobby. I remember one night I was feeling particularly lonely. I prepared a huge bowl of vegan macaroni and cheese seasoned with buffalo sauce, with bits of vegetarian bacon sprinkled in it. I also had coconut milk chocolate ice cream with brownie chunks for dessert waiting for me in the freezer. As I sat down to eat, I knew I should be mindful while I ate it. I had just spent an hour making vegan macaroni and cheese from avocado and cashews, I should at least enjoy it, right?
But just rebelling against that feeling of “I should be mindful” made me feel instantly liberated. Instead of slowing down and enjoying my food, I said “fuck it” to myself and wolfed down the bowl. I could taste the cream, the fat, the spice, the chewy texture of the noodles, the cool splash of oat milk as it washed everything down. All of the sudden everything was right in the world. I was full at the end of it but I dug into the carton of ice cream with abandon anyway.
Nothing had ever felt so good. I had a full stomach, and I reveled in the sleepiness and sedated feeling that came with the fullness and sugar that was washing over me like a weighted blanket. I didn’t clean up. I just left the dishes on the table and stumbled to my bed and curled up with Netflix, already dreaming and planning my next binge session. Would it be brunch at Walnut Cafe? Lunch at City O’ City? Or dinner at Native Foods? (Three of my favorite vegan restaurants at the time.)
"Surely I needed--no, I deserved--something for all my hard work and also my loneliness and pain! And that one would be the last one. Just one last treat," I thought to myself as I lay in bed.
These thoughts swirled as gassy bubbles started rising in my belly and heartburn set in. Self-hatred bubbled to the surface and in the back of my mind I wondered if I looked fat.
For me, eating is an obsession.
On top of that, the pleasure and rebelliousness of binge eating even tops the mindful eating experience...sometimes. It’s the feeling of doing something wrong or bad that makes binge eating even more desirable and tempting. Food is also the main source of comfort for me.
Sometimes I feel so alone, so detached, so futile. I have felt very existential. "What’s the point?" I ask myself all the time.
One day, I also felt empty and sad, depressed just like they describe: like a dark cloud descended above my consciousness and everything felt heavy, sticky, pointless and hopeless. So I walked through the grocery aisles of Sprouts and picked out four different kinds of boxed vegan mac and cheese. I had a craving for that processed taste and convenience, something to bring back the bodily pleasure and connections with my body through food, the feeling of being blanketed and held, which is provided through this easy and rich and sweet and salty and fatty combination. I piled them high in my cart and then I had something to love and something to look forward to, something to fill me up when I was feeling empty.
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