Wednesday, June 30, 2021- afternoon
I’m nervous about going to jiujitsu.
It’s always a bit stressful going to a new gym. First, finding the gym online and reaching out. Second, getting the address and finding the location. Third, getting there and meeting all the new people. Fourth, sparring—do I go hard or light? What is the right amount of aggression I can bring so as not to get walked all over, but not to act like an asshole? To show what I’m made of (beautiful jiujitsu), but also not be too egotistical?
Packing for this trip, I wasn't sure if I should bring my jiujitsu stuff. Normally, when I travel to a new place, I always make it a point to train at least once, even when I'm at academic conferences or on business. I was hesitant about KGZ, though.
Last time I tried to train jiujitsu in KGZ was in 2015. I went to Osh, which is a much smaller city close to Uzbekistan. That time I couldn’t train because I was a woman and KGZ is a Muslim country, so they said they were “uncomfortable” with it. That being said, the jiujitsu head coach hosted me at his home (I stayed there for a few nights) and his wife Gulu, who spoke English, cooked for me the whole time. But I couldn’t train with them. So I didn't have high hopes about Bishkek.
But I knew that Bishkek was a bigger more liberal city than Osh. One of my purple belt training partners in Prague is a Kazakh girl who trained in Almaty, a city not far away. So I had hope. Still, I was intimidated, and my brain always wants to go for the easy way out and almost convinced me not to not even try.
I specifically had put “pack jiujitsu stuff” on my “getting ready for Central Asia" list because I knew I might just not bother with bringing the gi and then regretting it later. I made it a point to force myself to do the thing that is uncomfortable.
Before I left Prague, I had sent an email to let my jiujitsu coach there know I would be out for a while because I had a work trip to KGZ. The gym manager responded with, “I took the liberty of reaching out to my friend in KGZ, A, so you can train with her.”
I was kind of annoyed because I was like, "Fuck, I wanted to go by Sam while I’m here, and now they will think of me as Saar because Fernando’s wife already introduced us." My switch to Sam and he/they pronouns happened right before I left for KGZ and I hadn't told the jiujitsu gym in Prague yet.
Because of all of this, I am procrastinating on the whole jiujitsu thing. I just have this feeling of dread and nervousness around the whole situation, mostly about gender and names, but also just feeling lazy and fearful.
But finally, today, I looked up the names of two jiujitsu gyms here in Bishkek: Kyrgyzstan Top Team and Golden Eagle BJJ. I messaged both of them on WhatsApp and scoured their websites. Golden Eagle responded with voice messages, welcoming me to come train with them tomorrow, sending me the address and training time and ending with “no entrance fee at all, just please come train with us.” Since Sam is an androgynous name they don’t know my gender and part of me is worried about it. The other part of me wants to try to pass, even though I know this might be impossible with my anatomy. The other part of me wants to ask, "Are there women there / is it a mixed gender group?" The other part of me just wants to show up and see what happens. That is probably what I will end up doing.
Kyrgyzstan Top Team responded with “Hi Man” and gave me the training times: "5 pm today," they said. They had a female coach on their website named “Aizhan” and I messaged her as well. I also messaged A. It turns out that A trains with Top Team. Aizhan and A invited me to come train tonight at 7 pm. I was confused because they had said 5 pm before.
I’m definitely nervous, but Top Team is not far from my hostel (about 1.4 miles). I will rent a bike from the hostel and bike there. I’m nervous about training with new people. And about the whole gender thing.
Questions are running through my mind: Will they smash me like they do in Prague? Will they be too nice to me? If I fight back, will they joke about how strong and crazy I am? Will they read me as a boy or will they group me in with the ladies? What will the bathroom and locker room situation be like? Will they want to be friends or will they ignore me? Will they think I’m weird because I’m queer? Will it be awkward with the name thing? Will the girls automatically try to befriend me just because I’m female?
I'm nervous, but I’m grateful to have this opportunity and I’m excited to go move my body around and play with other spirits. That’s what I want it to be like tonight. Just an androgynous genderqueer person going to train, not going to prove myself or my masculinity or my jiujitsu, just going to have a fun time, move my body around and play.
To be continued...
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