Letter to Jiujitsu: Part 3

This is a continuation of the letter of grief I write to one of my main sources of connection in my life: jiujitsu. You can read the beginning of the letter in Part 1 and Part 2.

One thing I admire about jiujitsu is… 

The way jiujitsu makes me forget about my fatigue; it allows me to ignore the burn in my chest. With jiujitsu, I don’t even notice the fire creeping up my throat. I don’t even care about the punch in my stomach, the knee to the jaw, the elbow to the eye. 

Jiujitsu shuts down the voice that tells me, “You can’t do this. You can’t keep going. You’re going to stop or you’re going to die.” When I’m doing jiujitsu, I turn off that voice in my head, and I can keep going through the pain and impossibility. It’s magical. 

The voice--the one that tells me “you can’t do this”--is powerful. Yet also weak because when we shut it down? PIGS FLY. We transcend physical limitations.

With that voice silenced, our focus totally on the technique at hand, our mind blank and silent, we keep going. And even in our struggle, it is peaceful in those moments. There is no fear, there is no anxiety. I just am, in that moment, present. Just rolling. There is nothing else. Doing the thing you thought was impossible two seconds ago. You are in the moment, drowning and yet at peace. Because there is nothing to worry about. Just this moment, here and now. 

In the meantime, breath gasping, heart pounding, legs burning, gums aching, lungs on fire, and sweat dripping, I feel powerful. I feel strong and at peace. 

From jiujitsu, I learned the importance of…

When it gets hard, that’s when I keep going.

I learned that I don’t give up. When I want to stop, that’s the moment when I say, “No, I can do this.” At the moment when we want to give up, that’s when we keep going because it’s not supposed to be easy. If it was easy, it would be boring. 

Jiujitsu introduced me to people that don’t run from pain and challenge and fear, but turn toward it. With jiujitsu, we embraced pain.

With jiujitsu, I shared tears that mixed with sweat. What’s the difference really? Both are a release of the pain and stress of the day. 

We said, EVERY SINGLE DAY: “This sucks but I’m going to do it anyway. Not for the gold medal, but for the journey and for the process because it makes us better people. Because becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable is what it’s all about, is what life is about.”

Because nothing is ever comfortable. Even sitting and doing nothing is uncomfortable. Emotions are uncomfortable. Criticism and being in the unknown is uncomfortable. But those moments of discomfort are when joy is planted and sprouts. 

Jiujitsu taught me pain.

Frustration. Anger, sadness, and confusion. Those uncomfortable emotions allowed me to empathize with others’ suffering. That pain showed me how to hold others’ suffering. And perseverance through it all showed me how to keep moving through challenges--my dissertation, learning foreign languages, writing articles, human rights advocacy, my job, just to name a few. Right when I wanted to give up on all of those things, I kept going and in the process I learned that life begins with suffering. 

From jiujitsu I learned that I’m nothing by myself. But I am everything with community. 

I learned that if you feel like you’re getting attacked all the time, then you will always be frustrated because attacking is not the point. The point is to play a game. That’s all it is: just playing, a back and forth challenge, a dance. It’s not about right or wrong, it’s about playing and dancing. The play isn’t fun if you just do the same thing all the time. So it’s more fun if you bring it to the next level by challenging the other person. In jiujitsu, that is brought about through trying new submissions or offensive and aggressive moves. Not to make you suffer, but just to explore, to play, and to converse with each other in exploring those edges of physical and mental abilities. 

Jiujitsu taught me to question: Who is the person I want to be in this world? What is the kind of world that I want to live in? 

I’m still thinking about the answers. But a few things I've learned are:

• Life is about play
• Love yourself.
• You can be the rock that creates the ripples that rocks the boat that changes the world. 
• Suffering is part of the human condition. 
• Becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable allows for joy later down the road.  

I’ve always wanted to tell you [jiujitsu]… 

Sometimes I used to hate you. Sometimes I used to dread you. Your cold air, hard floors, loud environment, chaotic and crowded mats, and annoying people. Sometimes I didn’t want to go see you. 

Sometimes I complained about the sweaty group photos we took after class. Now there is nothing I cherish more as I scroll through my photos on Facebook.

God, I miss you guys so much. 

I was wrong. I was wrong to not appreciate every single part you. I was wrong to take you for granted.

Now I wish I had appreciated what I had more when I had it. I didn’t realize how much I cared until it was gone.