I have a confession to make. I have a compulsion. No, it's not diagnosed OCD. But it's a need to do something even when I know I don't need to, or even when I don't want to. I make lists.
All kinds of lists. Daily lists. Weekly lists. Monthly lists. Yearly lists.
I have a job task list. A life task list. An errand list. A grocery list. A people-to-text list. A books-to-read list. A fun-things-to-do list. A things-to-do-in-my-free-time list. A self-care list. A 2020 resolutions list.
Sounds nice, right? These lists are what keep me ultra-focused. These lists are what keep me efficient and always--ALWAYS--intentional with my time. These lists keep me always doing things with my time that put me closer to my goals. These lists keep me on TOP OF MY SHIT. NO MATTER WHAT. WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT.
These lists embody my need for order and control in my life at all times.
When I'm not paying attention, these lists start to control me and my life. I stop being present. I start being a robot. I start doing things mindlessly with no other goal than to check it off the list. I have let whole days go by without enjoying the sunshine or the world around me because I am so focused on the list in front of me.
What if I don't want to be intentional with my time? What if I want to just BE instead of DO? I will start to feel a balloon of anxiety welling up in my chest. My breathing will increase and my face gets hot. I'll start to feel like the world is starting to cave in around me, and I can hardly handle the chaos.
"When did this compulsion start?" asked my therapist.
My junior year of high school.
One of my high school besties said it best in a text to me one day: "I started at a new OCD therapist today. He said perfectionism is at the root of my issues. I was like, 'if you think I'm a perfectionist, you should see my friends!' #oaklandcatholic disorder. He was like, what if we made your therapy goal to be more mediocre and disorganized? I was like...genuinely triggered."
I laughed hard! And then added "be more mediocre and disorganized" to my most recent list.
My therapist suggested I write a letter to my junior year self. What would you say to that person? Here is my letter. I pull this out often when I find myself losing touch with what's really important in the present moment.
Dear 16-year-old Sarah,
I would rather that you enjoy this time in Pittsburgh with friends and be in the moment--and as a result go to a public college--than get into an Ivy League.
Enjoy this time you have in your carefree youth. Cherish this time being surrounded by loving family and friends. Laugh hard. Laugh often. Take the humor in every situation.
Getting into a good college cannot replace that love and that time and presence. That love is priceless but also temporary. This is the last time you’re going to be able to live in Pittsburgh with your friends and family in this way. This is the last time you will spend significant time with your caring and supportive grandfather. There is nothing that is more valuable than spending quality time and being present with them, supporting them and letting them support you.
Trying to get into an Ivy League college is a waste of time. Spending time being present with loved ones is never a waste.
You won’t even remember this year. You will completely block it out of your memory because it will be a blur of pulling all-nighters and stress over a couple of points lost here and there. Just forget about that trivial stuff.
Be present for the changing of the seasons. Taste the Trader Joe's Macaroni and Cheese. Smell the morning mist as you walk to the bus. Breathe in the air of Schenley Park and feel the leaves crunch under your feet as you run. Be present for the love of your family and friends surrounding you every single day. That kind of love and support you will never have again, at least not for the next 15 years.
You will be loved and supported, for sure. Family and friends will only be a phone call away. But having so many loving people around you and present with you in that way will never happen again.
Be a kid.
You are doing a great job. You are enough. You don't need to get into a fancy college. You just need to love yourself and others and everything else will fall into place.
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