When I arrived at DIA in November, I
knew I had a hellish five months ahead of me. I returned from China to live in
Boulder for one purpose and one purpose only: to prepare for and pass comps. I
needed to reach PhD candidacy before my dissertation fieldwork could really begin. I knew I would need to be preparing for my comps, while writing grant
proposals, analyzing data from my fieldwork, working on publications, and
studying Uyghur. I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of despair as I
imagined myself alone, toiling day and night at the library and in my cubicle sweet cubicle. Right then, I faced two choices. I could keep my head down, read
for comps 24/7, and be miserable for the next five months. Or, I could enjoy
this time I had in Boulder (how lucky I was to be able to spend the winter in
sunny Boulder!) and re-connect with the people I care about, even though I knew
it was only temporary (as everything always is).
Shortly after I moved back to Boulder and was contemplating my
life, I saw one of those corny quotes on Facebook. It was this very one:
I decided right then and there that I was going to spend the
next 5 months (metaphorically) dancing in the rain (the rain of comps, that
is). I downloaded Tinder and Her, asked everyone who was willing to drill with
me at the gym, and texted everyone I had in my phone who lived in Boulder,
letting them know I had moved back.
And I am so grateful for these past 5 months. I did not
expect that I would learn so much. About my research, yes, but much more
importantly about myself and about my life.
And what a rich and colorful 5 months it has been! How lucky
I am to be surrounded by so many wonderful people who have provided their love
and support to me in so many ways--both those who live in Boulder and who do not.
These past 5 months have seen a lot of ups and downs for me. I’ve cried myself to
sleep. I’ve considered dropping out of school and
running away. I considered quitting jiujitsu. I considered giving up in the
middle of every single Crossfit workout. I also have numerable and wonderful memories of Sunday brunches, strolling and dancing on Pearl Street, watching Netflix, seeing Anne Akiko Meyers live in concert, hiking, skiing, and meals over laughter and deep conversations.
I also learned a lot. I learned how to persevere even when I really, really wanted to give up. I also learned how to be independent. It’s
funny. From the time I was young, I’ve always thought of myself as a very
independent person. And yet, I struggle with being alone sometimes. 5 months
ago, there was a part of me that dreaded returning to China in the spring. Living abroad
requires a willingness to live in isolation (cultural, linguistic, and social isolation). I was filled with despair when I thought that I would have
to endure that isolation for another year. I lived alone this time while I was in Boulder (first time in my life to live alone), and it was actually kind of nice. I actively worked on enjoying being alone.
Now I’m kind of excited to return to China. I know it’s going to be hard. I know I’m going to get homesick. I know there are going to be times when I’m going to be looking up plane tickets for an early flight back. I know I’m going to be laughed at when I say the wrong word or use the wrong grammar. I know I’m going to be lonely. I know there are times I’m going to wish I had never gone to China. But I know it’s going to be worth it.
Living in China has absolutely been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. From the language, to the culture, to the research, China is a challenging place to live. But without a doubt, it’s also been the most thrilling, the most rewarding, the most satisfying, and the most eye-opening experience that I’ve undertaken. I’m excited to continue that journey--I know it’s going to be a hell of a ride.
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