I must first apologize for my long absence from the blog. I set out at the beginning of the summer with the clear intention of posting every Friday, but life didn’t turn out the way I expected (what else is new, right? haha!).
I wish I had kept up the blog; looking back on it now, I am only now realizing how important writing is to me in my life. Writing helps me feel like I have a purpose in life, makes me feel productive, and helps me express my emotions and share my thoughts with an understanding and supportive audience (thank you so much to everyone for your support- I love getting emails and comments from you telling me that you’ve enjoyed a post). Blogging helps keep me connected with family and friends who are interested in my work and in what I have to say. Perhaps I needed this break just to realize how important writing and this blog really is to me and my life.
There are three reasons I took a break from blogging the past 3 months. First, most of the stuff I was encountering on a daily basis is too politically sensitive to write about on here. I do have some posts I've been working on waiting on the back burner, so you'll see a lot of posts in the next couple weeks. But they will be about life as a PhD student and about the books I'm reading. I can't really talk about my life in China here since it is so intimately connected to my research, which can be very political.
Second, I was completely overwhelmed with other more important and urgent priorities. I was working on three articles and one book chapter for publication, conducting a survey, learning Uy [abbreviated from its full name in this post to avoid political sensitivity issues], practicing Chinese, conducting fieldwork (meeting with informants and writing field notes), studying for my comprehensive exams, teaching jiujitsu, and training kickboxing, as well as maintaining a social life with people in the city, and maintaining friendships with people in inner-China and the US. I was pretty busy.
The third reason was that while I was training jiujitsu and Muay Thai boxing in Thailand, I decided to do an 6-week language pledge in Uy when I got back to the city (from August 18-October 1). I made the conscious decision that this would mean no more writing in this blog until October. Perhaps I should have made an announcement on the blog that writing would cease for 6-weeks, but I consciously made the decision not to announce it. I wanted to wait until after it was done before I told people (I only told the people the pledge directly affected) because otherwise I knew it would be more likely that I would break it: psychological research reports that you are more likely to complete a goal if you don’t tell people about it until after you actually complete it, keeping the motivation of completing it alive.
Here is the story of the language pledge:
Rules of the language pledge: only speak, listen to, read, and write in Uy from Monday to Saturday. I made three exceptions for myself: studying for comps, working on my publications, and training in kickboxing and jiujitsu (where I speak Chinese). Sunday was also an exception. The hardest thing to give up were my podcasts... I still watched YouTube, but I only watched Uy language TV and comedy. I still listened to the radio (one of my favorite things to do) but it was all Uy language radio programs. I still hung out with friends, but we only spoke in Uy. I still wrote letters, diary entries, and read short stories, but it was all in Uy. The point is to be fully immersed.
Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. In order to succeed, you first must fail. No pains, no gains. It is from these principles on which I have built my life. It was in thinking about these principles from which I draw much of my motivation for getting my PhD and training jiujitsu that I decided to do the language pledge.
I was a little too comfortable in the city this summer. Don’t get me wrong; I had the time of my life traveling, studying Uy, hanging out with friends, doing research, writing articles, reading for comps, meeting new people, partying...just doing stupid and crazy things while enjoying being young and living in the moment.
My friends in the city willingly and actively spoke to me almost exclusively in Uy during the summer, especially when we were hanging out in a group, because they knew I was working really hard to learn the language and wanted to support me. Since listening is the best way to get a good foundation in the language, that gave me a great opportunity to practice my listening comprehension. Talking in groups is also one of the hardest things for a language learner to do, especially for me--though I can hold a conversation with someone one-on-one without much difficulty, I find it really difficult to participate in group conversations. So hanging out with them was a good challenge for me and I enjoyed it very much.
My friends in the city willingly and actively spoke to me almost exclusively in Uy during the summer, especially when we were hanging out in a group, because they knew I was working really hard to learn the language and wanted to support me. Since listening is the best way to get a good foundation in the language, that gave me a great opportunity to practice my listening comprehension. Talking in groups is also one of the hardest things for a language learner to do, especially for me--though I can hold a conversation with someone one-on-one without much difficulty, I find it really difficult to participate in group conversations. So hanging out with them was a good challenge for me and I enjoyed it very much.
But I was lazy and let myself slip back into English a lot, especially if I was tired (their English is really good). They would still respond in Uy, but I got frustrated with myself for letting myself fall back into my comfort zone of English when there was something I didn’t know how to say.
My research was also stagnating because I was becoming more reluctant to talk to local people. I was getting lazy. I had my friends and family in America to email and text, and my English-language support network here in the city. I didn’t have the need or motivation to talk to new people I met on the street--and meeting new people is crucial for my research, where I need to talk to and meet people who might be able to help with my research. Furthermore, there were a few very vivid incidences where I couldn’t understand what people were telling me, but I knew it was important for my research. For example, a woman was talking to me about her headscarf and her feelings about wearing one, but I couldn’t really understand her. Frustrated by my progress, I decided to try the language pledge.
My research was also stagnating because I was becoming more reluctant to talk to local people. I was getting lazy. I had my friends and family in America to email and text, and my English-language support network here in the city. I didn’t have the need or motivation to talk to new people I met on the street--and meeting new people is crucial for my research, where I need to talk to and meet people who might be able to help with my research. Furthermore, there were a few very vivid incidences where I couldn’t understand what people were telling me, but I knew it was important for my research. For example, a woman was talking to me about her headscarf and her feelings about wearing one, but I couldn’t really understand her. Frustrated by my progress, I decided to try the language pledge.
The pledge was taxing emotionally, mentally, and socially. First of all, I felt horrible about asking my English-language speaking Uy friends to do this for me--I felt like a huge burden and was extremely embarrassed to ask them to hang out with me.
I felt incredibly lonely and isolated. But the feeling of isolation pushed me to get out and meet people who were willing to speak to me in Uy. I needed human contact with anyone who was willing to talk to me. So I would leave the house and talk to anyone I could on the street, in the park, at the market, and in restaurants. Instead of playing on Facebook or writing emails back home or talking in English with my friends, I was meeting new people, exploring the city, and also asking my friends who were willing to be patient enough to listen to my broken Uy to hang out.
So I was doing research, but also talking to new and old friends and improving my Uy. I was happier and more productive. I was also lonely and tired and isolated and exhausted and wanting to give up and leave it all behind and go home, but, in a strange way, happy. It was nice to work so hard towards completing a goal. Slowly but surely, I could feel my brain adjusting to the challenge and my words started to become more fluid and natural. I didn’t have to think about stuff so much any more, words just came out without me even realizing it. I started thinking and dreaming in Uy. And that’s exactly what I wanted from this language pledge: to begin to think in Uy, and to be able to talk more fluidly without it being incredibly awkward and embarrassing every time.
I felt incredibly lonely and isolated. But the feeling of isolation pushed me to get out and meet people who were willing to speak to me in Uy. I needed human contact with anyone who was willing to talk to me. So I would leave the house and talk to anyone I could on the street, in the park, at the market, and in restaurants. Instead of playing on Facebook or writing emails back home or talking in English with my friends, I was meeting new people, exploring the city, and also asking my friends who were willing to be patient enough to listen to my broken Uy to hang out.
So I was doing research, but also talking to new and old friends and improving my Uy. I was happier and more productive. I was also lonely and tired and isolated and exhausted and wanting to give up and leave it all behind and go home, but, in a strange way, happy. It was nice to work so hard towards completing a goal. Slowly but surely, I could feel my brain adjusting to the challenge and my words started to become more fluid and natural. I didn’t have to think about stuff so much any more, words just came out without me even realizing it. I started thinking and dreaming in Uy. And that’s exactly what I wanted from this language pledge: to begin to think in Uy, and to be able to talk more fluidly without it being incredibly awkward and embarrassing every time.
It’s not that the language pledge itself automatically made me improve my Uy skills. It’s that the language pledge gave me the motivation I needed to practice with anyone who would listen. In my experience, and according to the research, the most crucial aspect of language learning is to have personal motivation to be able to communicate with people in the target language on an emotional and deep level. Perhaps this is why the research suggests that people who fall in love with locals make the most language progress.
Regardless, having an emotional or personal connection to the host culture and motivation to significantly invest in the culture and the inter-personal relationships of the local setting is a key component to language learning. And when you’re on a language pledge, you have no choice but to invest emotionally in your local relationships on a deeper and more emotional level than you would otherwise because you have no other outlet for your thoughts and emotions. You need to speak your heart, but can’t email your mom back home so you turn to your local friends for support in the target language. At least that’s how I felt. The language pledge was exactly the motivation I needed to get outside my comfort zone and invest emotionally to cultivating my relationships and my language skills.
Regardless, having an emotional or personal connection to the host culture and motivation to significantly invest in the culture and the inter-personal relationships of the local setting is a key component to language learning. And when you’re on a language pledge, you have no choice but to invest emotionally in your local relationships on a deeper and more emotional level than you would otherwise because you have no other outlet for your thoughts and emotions. You need to speak your heart, but can’t email your mom back home so you turn to your local friends for support in the target language. At least that’s how I felt. The language pledge was exactly the motivation I needed to get outside my comfort zone and invest emotionally to cultivating my relationships and my language skills.
To be immersed completely in a foreign language was a pretty awesome feeling and I’m glad I did it. It was certainly challenging, and I’m not going to pretend like I didn’t have some missteps. Sometimes I listened to English music, or watched English-language YouTube, or slipped into English a couple times with friends (I made them make me pay them 5 kuai for every time I spoke English). And I had Sundays off.
But for the most part, I immersed myself as much as possible. And I can’t really say objectively whether or not my language skills actually improved. There is no way I could judge that. But I can say that I stepped outside of my comfort zone and communicated things to people in Uy that I normally would not have had to courage to do because I forced myself to do it. My brain adjusted to the challenge.
I thought of those 6-weeks as a hard cardio work out session--miserable in the moment but necessary for conditioning the brain and worth it in the long run. “It’s not forever, it’s only temporary,” I kept telling myself. The Uy phrase, “Chidap turay,” meaning “I got this, just keep going” was constantly running through my head as I pushed through the days. It was a kind of intentional self-torture for the purpose of self-improvement in the long run. It was difficult but worth it, like most things in life worth having.
But for the most part, I immersed myself as much as possible. And I can’t really say objectively whether or not my language skills actually improved. There is no way I could judge that. But I can say that I stepped outside of my comfort zone and communicated things to people in Uy that I normally would not have had to courage to do because I forced myself to do it. My brain adjusted to the challenge.
I thought of those 6-weeks as a hard cardio work out session--miserable in the moment but necessary for conditioning the brain and worth it in the long run. “It’s not forever, it’s only temporary,” I kept telling myself. The Uy phrase, “Chidap turay,” meaning “I got this, just keep going” was constantly running through my head as I pushed through the days. It was a kind of intentional self-torture for the purpose of self-improvement in the long run. It was difficult but worth it, like most things in life worth having.
I think this kind of experience is important in understanding the experience of refugees and immigrants in the US or other places who find themselves completely immersed in another language and can’t communicate intelligently the way they could in their own country. It takes away a part of your human dignity. And when you are treated as less than intelligent by those around you because of your poor language skills, it compounds that feeling so much more. So the next time you are confronted by someone who doesn’t speak your language but needs to communicate with you, take a second to think about how they must feel, and please, if you do nothing else, treat them with patience and kindness, and understand that they are struggling in a huge emotional and intellectual way in that moment.
I also learned some important things about myself and about life in general along the way:
- There is a fine line between setting out to accomplish something and sacrificing your humanity: these were the words my roommate said to me when he warned me that the language pledge was going to be really difficult. And he was right. This is something important to keep in mind when aiming for a goal.
- I need to learn how to set better boundaries with people for the sake of self-compassion and compassion towards those I care about. One of the reasons I did the language pledge was because I hadn’t set clear boundaries with my friends who spoke English in saying, “hey I really need to be speaking Uy most of the time.” So I decided to use this as a convenient excuse to either not hang out with them or to force them to speak Uy even if they didn’t really want to. A better alternative might have been a conversation with them that went something along the lines of, “hey, I really need to improve my Uy, do you think you could support me in that goal by speaking Uy with me when we hang out? Or maybe every other time we hang out?”
- I really need my friends, family, and support system around me. Saying “fuck y’all” to all the English-language support systems in my life was a kind of stupid idea when looking back on it. Three of my main coping outlets while living abroad are listening to podcasts, talking to friends and family online, or watching YouTube videos. But I couldn’t do any of those things anymore. I was basically like, “oh hey I’m going to try and go six weeks with very little emotional outlet for any of my feelings, NBD.” But realizing that it was indeed a big deal made me realize how much I love and appreciate all of the wonderful people in my life who support me and care about me. I realized how crucial having and reaching out for their support is for my daily life, for my sanity, and for my long-term success in the future. Having people around you who you can call for emotional support is so crucial to my mental health and I know I couldn’t live without all of those wonderful people in my life, the people whose relationships have expanded me, the people I have learn and grown from, the people who have added so much color and meaning in my life. I realized that it is for these people and this love and friendship that I live for, and so without those people in my life I felt like I didn’t have anything to live for. As a result, I felt less than human in so many ways during those six weeks. Though I originally planned to do the language pledge for eight-weeks, I decided to stop after six-weeks because I started to go a little crazy feeling less than human.
- At the end of the language pledge, I was like, "I am NEVER doing that again..." But now I'm already thinking about how I can do another language immersion experience when I return to China in the spring...
No comments:
Post a Comment